Our middle child turns 3 this week! He will forever be that chunky little baby in our minds, so it is heartbreaking to think the little boy that is missing from our lives would soon be 3!!As I watch Maddy and Joey each day, I wonder what Noah would be like. He was such a good baby with the most laid back personality imaginable. I have always said that I think my motherly instinct knew Noah wasn't mine to keep. Toward the end of my pregnancy with him he was very inactive. I went in to get checked out because I was worried, but my Dr reassured me everything was fine. The day that I had Noah I prayed over and over for a healthy baby. I kept asking my DR and the surgeon if he was Ok. I ended up having a panic attack on the table. Deep down, I think I knew. Tonight my mom posted a picture of my dad holding Noah. That picture brought tears to my eyes. My dad hardly ever held Noah. I asked my mom one time why and she didn't have an answer. When we lost Noah she said maybe Dad had a gut feeling.
Tonight I think back to what I was doing 3 years ago and I remember how excited and nervous I was. I was so excited to meet our son, but so unsure that I had enough love for two kids. The second I heard Noah's cry and looked into his eyes I knew how much love I had. I loved everything about that boy. The only thing I regret is not celebrating Noah just a little more. One month before we lost him we celebrated his baptism and still to this day I am so thankful we had him baptized.
This weekend was so happy for our family, but my heart aches at the thought of a new week. We had so much fun celebrating Maddy's 5th birthday this weekend. I am sad and mad that this week would be Noah's 3rd birthday. Another birthday spent without him here. My only hope is that he knows that not a day passes that we don't think of him. Every hour that passes includes a thought of him. Every ounce of me wishes he was here and misses what should have been. Maddy talks about him often and Joey will hear all about his big brother.
Happy Birthday in Heaven Noah Paul! You are loved so much! I picture what you would be today. I wish you were here to celebrate, but I am sure you will have a beautiful birthday celebration up above. Tonight I was washing dishes and I looked up at the big moon and I know it was you smiling down.. We love you to the moon and back sweet baby boy!!
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
As December sneaks up on us, thoughts of Noah's upcoming birthday fill my mind. Another birthday wondering what that little boy would be at 3 years old. I picture that chunky grin covered in cake. Tonight I had a dream of Noah and I woke up thinking of that. I opened my Facebook and had a message from my sister April with a picture of Noah. Tears started to flow because I know that dream was a Noah sign. I knew the day I first held him just how much I loved him and I knew the last day I held him almost 2 1/2 years ago that I was losing a piece of myself. Not an hour goes by that I don't think of Noah and I pray constantly that he will be remembered. A few weeks ago we were eating supper as a family and Maddy asked if Noah gets to eat supper in Heaven. A few days later she asked if Noah is still a baby or if he got bigger. She talks about him often and I know she misses him. She talks about Heaven and we try to help her understand. My prayers are answered! She will never forget and we will continue to talk about the memories of Noah and as Josiah gets older, he will also hear all about his older brother. We won't ever be over that little man and I will never apologize for that. There are a lot of things in life that we have to let go of, but no one should ever be forced to get over a child. For anyone that doesn't know us and even a lot of people that do, they look at our family and see 4 of us. For every family picture that is taken, every holiday, and everything in between, Kevin and I know there is a gap.
Hold your babies right and treasure every moment!
Hold your babies right and treasure every moment!
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Two Years
I simply can't believe that two years has passed since our lives were turned upside down. When I look back, it seems like just yesterday since that horrific day. But, it seems like a forever since I last held that baby boy. I think back to that week and all of the emotions that I was feeling. I still live those emotions over and over. My good days outnumber my bad, but I still have days that my heart aches. I have days that I want to stand on top of a mountain and yell that I lost my baby boy. That after 4 months 22 days, my heart that was filled with so much happiness and love had a huge piece ripped right out of my chest. I look back at what the past two years and I am amazed. I am amazed at the courage that I have had to face each day. I remember the first few weeks after we lost Noah. I hated night time, hated it. It made me literally nauseous. I didn't like how quiet our house was. I didn't like the darkness. I didn't like waking up every morning and praying that I was waking up from a terrible nightmare only to realize that it was still true.
Two years have passed, but Noah is still my first thought when I open my eyes each morning and my last thought before I drift off to sleep. He is in my thoughts all day, every day. I look at Maddy and Josiah and I am so thankful for what I have. But, there is so much of me that wishes that Noah was here to make our lives complete. I know that Noah lived the full life that was intended for him. I know he was sent to us for a reason and he completed his journey. I am at peace knowing that Noah will only know innocence and unconditional love. He will never know pain, hatred, or worry.
Losing Noah has forever changed me, but it has also brought positive to our lives where negative could have easily crept in. We were hit with the harsh reality that we aren't invincible and that life is precious. We had heard it a thousand times, but until we were faced with it, we didn't realize just how quickly lives can change. We were also shocked to find out that I was due to have another baby exactly 9 months to the day that we lost Noah. 9 months and 2 days after we lived the worst day of our entire lives, Josiah Paul entered the world. Josiah will never fill the void that Noah left and he does not replace the son that we lost. He is our sunshine after a horrible storm and has brought so much happiness to our lives.
Our marriage has survived and more importantly, flourished. Our respect and love for eachother has grown. On October 6, 2007, I stood at the front of the church and I vowed in front of my family, friends, and God to love Kevin for better, worse.....I didn't realize on that day just how proud I would be 5 1/2 years later to say that after all that our marriage has been through, it is stronger than ever. Our faith has carried us through when nothing else could have. I have faith that one day we will meet back up with our blue-eyed boy. I will see that smile and know that it is mine to enjoy for eternity.
My biggest fear is that people will forget. I will never get over Noah. A piece of my life was taken from me and I am scarred. I still cry, but the tears fall less often now. But, there are certain times that it hits me harder than others, holidays, birthdays, etc. Some times I just want to say his name. I remember dreading it when people would strike up conversations about my kids because I never knew how to answer the question. At first, I would just include Noah, but that question was always followed by "how old?". For the longest time, I would just lie and tell them Noah was four months old. But, now it depends on the day. Most of the time, I only mention Maddy and Josiah because I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable But, then I have the guilt that sweet Noah deserves to be mentioned.. Being a bereaved mother is nothing that I would wish on anyone. I know that there are millions of parents that have lost kids, so I am nothing special, but I have grown from a tragedy and I am proud to say that I have survived 2 full years.
The other night while saying bedtime prayers, Maddy thanked God for "making us so brave". I smiled because she captured my thoughts exactly! I am so thankful to the Lord for making me so brave. I found strength and courage to face each day, that was from a blessing because from day one I didn't know how I would survive.
"Some people dream of angels, we held one in our arms" 12/17/10-05/09/11 Noah Paul Weinshrott
Two years have passed, but Noah is still my first thought when I open my eyes each morning and my last thought before I drift off to sleep. He is in my thoughts all day, every day. I look at Maddy and Josiah and I am so thankful for what I have. But, there is so much of me that wishes that Noah was here to make our lives complete. I know that Noah lived the full life that was intended for him. I know he was sent to us for a reason and he completed his journey. I am at peace knowing that Noah will only know innocence and unconditional love. He will never know pain, hatred, or worry.
Losing Noah has forever changed me, but it has also brought positive to our lives where negative could have easily crept in. We were hit with the harsh reality that we aren't invincible and that life is precious. We had heard it a thousand times, but until we were faced with it, we didn't realize just how quickly lives can change. We were also shocked to find out that I was due to have another baby exactly 9 months to the day that we lost Noah. 9 months and 2 days after we lived the worst day of our entire lives, Josiah Paul entered the world. Josiah will never fill the void that Noah left and he does not replace the son that we lost. He is our sunshine after a horrible storm and has brought so much happiness to our lives.
Our marriage has survived and more importantly, flourished. Our respect and love for eachother has grown. On October 6, 2007, I stood at the front of the church and I vowed in front of my family, friends, and God to love Kevin for better, worse.....I didn't realize on that day just how proud I would be 5 1/2 years later to say that after all that our marriage has been through, it is stronger than ever. Our faith has carried us through when nothing else could have. I have faith that one day we will meet back up with our blue-eyed boy. I will see that smile and know that it is mine to enjoy for eternity.
My biggest fear is that people will forget. I will never get over Noah. A piece of my life was taken from me and I am scarred. I still cry, but the tears fall less often now. But, there are certain times that it hits me harder than others, holidays, birthdays, etc. Some times I just want to say his name. I remember dreading it when people would strike up conversations about my kids because I never knew how to answer the question. At first, I would just include Noah, but that question was always followed by "how old?". For the longest time, I would just lie and tell them Noah was four months old. But, now it depends on the day. Most of the time, I only mention Maddy and Josiah because I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable But, then I have the guilt that sweet Noah deserves to be mentioned.. Being a bereaved mother is nothing that I would wish on anyone. I know that there are millions of parents that have lost kids, so I am nothing special, but I have grown from a tragedy and I am proud to say that I have survived 2 full years.
The other night while saying bedtime prayers, Maddy thanked God for "making us so brave". I smiled because she captured my thoughts exactly! I am so thankful to the Lord for making me so brave. I found strength and courage to face each day, that was from a blessing because from day one I didn't know how I would survive.
"Some people dream of angels, we held one in our arms" 12/17/10-05/09/11 Noah Paul Weinshrott
Friday, March 29, 2013
Happy Easter My Sweet Angel Boy!
This weekend we celebrate Easter. Madelyn is so excited and at a fun stage where Kevin and I can celebrate this magical time of creating memories for her and watching her excitement of the Easter celebration. We bought her a book this year and read it to her about the true meaning of Easter. We want her to know that Easter is a fun holiday with chocolate, egg hunts, and the Easter bunny, but we want her to know that we are really celebrating something much more. Josiah is too young to understand any of it, but he will have a basket of goodies and I am sure he will be smiling as usual.
This weekend is bittersweet for me as I think back two years ago. I remember having an Easter egg hunt for Maddy and Noah. We had a basket with an outfit and a Little Tikes dump truck for Noah. The day was so hectic that I didn't snap a single photo. If I had known that just two short weeks later we would lose Noah, I would have taken a million pictures. The outfit we bought Noah still hangs in Josiah's closet with the tags on it. Two weeks after we celebrated such a happy occasion, we took the toy dump truck out of the package. Not for our little boy to play with, but instead to mark his grave at the cemetery until he got his headstone.
I look at my kids each day and am so thankful for them. Josiah has a smile that just warms my heart. He truly is my sunshine. Someday he will understand what a gift he is to our family. I can't imagine my life without that little guy. We are so truly blessed!
As you celebrate the Easter holiday, remember to count your blessings, snuggle your babies, and take some pictures. You never know just how priceless the memories that you are making will become one day. Some day, memories are all that you will have.
Happy Easter in Heaven Noah Paul! I bet Jesus has the best egg hunt imaginable!
This weekend is bittersweet for me as I think back two years ago. I remember having an Easter egg hunt for Maddy and Noah. We had a basket with an outfit and a Little Tikes dump truck for Noah. The day was so hectic that I didn't snap a single photo. If I had known that just two short weeks later we would lose Noah, I would have taken a million pictures. The outfit we bought Noah still hangs in Josiah's closet with the tags on it. Two weeks after we celebrated such a happy occasion, we took the toy dump truck out of the package. Not for our little boy to play with, but instead to mark his grave at the cemetery until he got his headstone.
I look at my kids each day and am so thankful for them. Josiah has a smile that just warms my heart. He truly is my sunshine. Someday he will understand what a gift he is to our family. I can't imagine my life without that little guy. We are so truly blessed!
As you celebrate the Easter holiday, remember to count your blessings, snuggle your babies, and take some pictures. You never know just how priceless the memories that you are making will become one day. Some day, memories are all that you will have.
Happy Easter in Heaven Noah Paul! I bet Jesus has the best egg hunt imaginable!
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
I Hope You Know
Dear Noah,
I am missing you today, but that is nothing new. Everything reminds me of you. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. As I type this letter, my eyes fill up with tears because I would do anything to hold you and kiss your chubby cheeks again. I can say that none of my kids have ever lacked when it comes to love, hugs, and kisses.
I look for your signs all the time. Tonight I saw the snow glistening and I wondered if your wings glisten like that. I wonder why you were chosen to become an Angel so soon. It just reminds me of what one person told me at your wake: "Heaven needs little angels too". I don't know why our baby boy, but I bet you make a beatiful angel. You were perfect in every way.
Losing you taught me just how precious life is. I hope you know just how much you are loved and how much you are missed. I hope you know that our family will forever be incomplete without you here with us. I hope you know that you are in my thoughts all day, every day. I hope you know that as I snuggle with Madelyn and Josiah, I wonder what it would be like to have you with us too. I hope you know that we look forward to the day that we meet up with you again.
I love you to the moon and back sweet baby boy. Watch over us and send us signs.
Love,
Mommy
I am missing you today, but that is nothing new. Everything reminds me of you. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. As I type this letter, my eyes fill up with tears because I would do anything to hold you and kiss your chubby cheeks again. I can say that none of my kids have ever lacked when it comes to love, hugs, and kisses.
I look for your signs all the time. Tonight I saw the snow glistening and I wondered if your wings glisten like that. I wonder why you were chosen to become an Angel so soon. It just reminds me of what one person told me at your wake: "Heaven needs little angels too". I don't know why our baby boy, but I bet you make a beatiful angel. You were perfect in every way.
Losing you taught me just how precious life is. I hope you know just how much you are loved and how much you are missed. I hope you know that our family will forever be incomplete without you here with us. I hope you know that you are in my thoughts all day, every day. I hope you know that as I snuggle with Madelyn and Josiah, I wonder what it would be like to have you with us too. I hope you know that we look forward to the day that we meet up with you again.
I love you to the moon and back sweet baby boy. Watch over us and send us signs.
Love,
Mommy
Monday, December 17, 2012
Happy 2nd Birthday Noah Paul!
Two years ago today I was blessed with a beautiful baby boy, Noah Paul. He was perfect in every way. I cried tears of joy that day. Today, I cry tears of sorrow for what we had and what we lost. I know God has a plan for everything. I know that Noah was sent here for a purpose and that beautiful baby boy fulfilled his time on Earth after just a brief 4 months 22 days. I will never fully understand. There are days that I am angry that we were dealt this hand, but I am so honored to have been chosen to carry that Angel for 9 months and give him a loving home for his short time on Earth.
I look at other kids that are close to his age and my heart aches. I wonder what he would look like and I long to hear the pitter patter of his little feet around the house. I grieve for all that he had yet to experience in life. Noah will forever be a 4 month old, 18 lb, bald-headed, toothless little boy in my mind, but in reality, he should be 2 years old.
We baked cupcakes for Noah. Funfetti cupcakes with blue frosting to match his piercing blue eyes. We will light 2 candles and sing to our Angel. We are going out to the cemetery to send a wish lantern off to him with special birthday messages. Not the birthday party that any parent wants to throw for their child, but it's all we have. Noah still matters and we will celebrate his birthday with him.
Not a day goes by that we don't think of you Noah. We still cry more than anyone knows. We wonder and wish that we could be a complete family of 5. I wish that the empty space in my heart would mend, but I know that it never will. Not until I hold you again. I know that you are in an amazing place and I am sure that you are celebrating today with all of the other Angels and of course Jesus. I can only imagine what a beautiful, magical place you are in. I know one day we will be reunited. I will recognize those blue eyes and that amazing smile. I will grab you and never let you go!
Happy 2nd Birthday Baby Boy! We love you to the moon and back!! xoxoxo
I look at other kids that are close to his age and my heart aches. I wonder what he would look like and I long to hear the pitter patter of his little feet around the house. I grieve for all that he had yet to experience in life. Noah will forever be a 4 month old, 18 lb, bald-headed, toothless little boy in my mind, but in reality, he should be 2 years old.
We baked cupcakes for Noah. Funfetti cupcakes with blue frosting to match his piercing blue eyes. We will light 2 candles and sing to our Angel. We are going out to the cemetery to send a wish lantern off to him with special birthday messages. Not the birthday party that any parent wants to throw for their child, but it's all we have. Noah still matters and we will celebrate his birthday with him.
Not a day goes by that we don't think of you Noah. We still cry more than anyone knows. We wonder and wish that we could be a complete family of 5. I wish that the empty space in my heart would mend, but I know that it never will. Not until I hold you again. I know that you are in an amazing place and I am sure that you are celebrating today with all of the other Angels and of course Jesus. I can only imagine what a beautiful, magical place you are in. I know one day we will be reunited. I will recognize those blue eyes and that amazing smile. I will grab you and never let you go!
Happy 2nd Birthday Baby Boy! We love you to the moon and back!! xoxoxo
Friday, November 2, 2012
Eighteen Months
November 9th will be eighteen months since we lost Noah. We should be getting ready for his 2nd birthday. I look at kids around his age and I wonder what he would look like, what his voice would sound like, and how different our life would be if only we could have kept him.
A friend of mine recently sent me the link to Taylor Swift's song, "Ronan". It's about a blue-eyed boy that died at 4 years old. That song gave me chills from the first time I listened to it. I only had 4 months with Noah, but we will always love him "to the moon and back", it is engraved on his headstone and we told him that every day. My sister told me the other day that Ronan passed away on 5/9/11. The same day we lost Noah. If you have a chance, listen to that song! I have listened to it over and over.
Every day I look at Josiah and I thank God for sending him to us. Josiah was due 9 months from the day we lost Noah and he has been such a miracle. He has helped our entire family heal in ways that we could never have imagined. Kevin and I count our blessings daily. We have said since the day we lost Noah that we were not going to focus on what we lost, but for what we still have to be thankful for. It has helped us tremendously. We went trick or treating as a family of 4 on Wednesday and there was a brief while that I looked at our kids and I thought how awesome it was to have our happy little family, but how I wished that we had all 3 kids walking with us.
I am writing this blog today because I can't believe that 18 months has passed since that awful Monday morning. I remember thinking that I didn't know how I could possibly go on that day. But, we did. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday that I spent the last day with Maddy and Noah. And other times, I just pray that I will never forget those beautiful piercing blue eyes and that sweet face.
The truth is, time does not heal all wounds. I still ache for Noah. Eighteen months ago I prayed that the nightmare would go away and yet he is still my very first thought each day and my last thought each night. I still cry. I have days that I cry at what we lost and other days, I can smile at those sweet memories. A piece of our family is gone forever. I am not the same person that I was before we lost our son, but I try to be the best person that I can be and the best mother that I can be to my kids. I know that God has a plan. I truly believe that Josiah is part of that plan. There are times that I drive to work and I think of that Monday morning that I thought of a million things that I had to do and how great our weekend was. I never would have thought that in a few short hours we would be shaken with such a tragedy. there are days that Kevin calls me at work and I wish that I could take that one phone call back. I wish God didn't have so much trust that I am such a strong person. But, I am thankful for the strength I have found to go on with my life and I am so thankful for my strong faith.
Some day I will look into Noah's eyes again. Some day I will get to hold that precious boy in my arms, but for now, we have beautiful memories of our brief 4 months 22 days we shared with him.
We love you to the moon and back, sweet baby boy!
A friend of mine recently sent me the link to Taylor Swift's song, "Ronan". It's about a blue-eyed boy that died at 4 years old. That song gave me chills from the first time I listened to it. I only had 4 months with Noah, but we will always love him "to the moon and back", it is engraved on his headstone and we told him that every day. My sister told me the other day that Ronan passed away on 5/9/11. The same day we lost Noah. If you have a chance, listen to that song! I have listened to it over and over.
Every day I look at Josiah and I thank God for sending him to us. Josiah was due 9 months from the day we lost Noah and he has been such a miracle. He has helped our entire family heal in ways that we could never have imagined. Kevin and I count our blessings daily. We have said since the day we lost Noah that we were not going to focus on what we lost, but for what we still have to be thankful for. It has helped us tremendously. We went trick or treating as a family of 4 on Wednesday and there was a brief while that I looked at our kids and I thought how awesome it was to have our happy little family, but how I wished that we had all 3 kids walking with us.
I am writing this blog today because I can't believe that 18 months has passed since that awful Monday morning. I remember thinking that I didn't know how I could possibly go on that day. But, we did. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday that I spent the last day with Maddy and Noah. And other times, I just pray that I will never forget those beautiful piercing blue eyes and that sweet face.
The truth is, time does not heal all wounds. I still ache for Noah. Eighteen months ago I prayed that the nightmare would go away and yet he is still my very first thought each day and my last thought each night. I still cry. I have days that I cry at what we lost and other days, I can smile at those sweet memories. A piece of our family is gone forever. I am not the same person that I was before we lost our son, but I try to be the best person that I can be and the best mother that I can be to my kids. I know that God has a plan. I truly believe that Josiah is part of that plan. There are times that I drive to work and I think of that Monday morning that I thought of a million things that I had to do and how great our weekend was. I never would have thought that in a few short hours we would be shaken with such a tragedy. there are days that Kevin calls me at work and I wish that I could take that one phone call back. I wish God didn't have so much trust that I am such a strong person. But, I am thankful for the strength I have found to go on with my life and I am so thankful for my strong faith.
Some day I will look into Noah's eyes again. Some day I will get to hold that precious boy in my arms, but for now, we have beautiful memories of our brief 4 months 22 days we shared with him.
We love you to the moon and back, sweet baby boy!
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