Tomorrow marks 14 weeks since we lost Noah. The last week has been emotionally challenging. Just when I think I am getting a grip on the whole situation, I take five steps back and feel like I am right where I was on the first day. I long to hold Noah and I ache to hear his cries, see his smile, feel his touch. As most of you know, I am also 14 weeks pregnant, so I am on a bumpy rollercoaster ride. I am so thankful for this blessing that we have been given. Kevin & I believe that this pregnancy was a gift sent straight from Noah. Everyone says that when I meet this new baby that I will wonder how different my life would have been without him/her. I understand to a point, but I wish my life could be different. I wish we could be getting ready for Baby #3 with our other two children physically here and healthy. We were content with two kids and decided we wanted to give everything we have to Maddy and Noah, but if we were meant to meet this 3rd, we would have accepted it with open arms. I am excited to have our new baby in Feb 2012 and I don't want him/her to replace Noah and I know that having another baby will not make my loss any easier to handle.
I am so thankful for Kevin. He is an amazing husband and he has helped me walk through this with my head held high and relying on faith to get us through. I still have days, a lot of them lately, that I look at families and wonder why they deserve their kids, but then I remind myself that everyone is fighting some sort of battle. When I get down in the dumps, I remind myself that we are still so very blessed. I hate when I run into people that haven't seen me in a while and they ask how my "kids" are doing or when strangers ask how many kids I have. Most of the time, I just say 2 and hope they drop it. Most of the time that leads to "how old?". I usually can't bring myself to spill to a stranger, so I lie. I tell them I have a 2 year old and a 7 month old. I refuse to say I have only 1 child because I have 2 kids and Noah will always be counted, but I don't want people to feel uncomfortable and I don't want people's pity. I am not a pity case. I am a very blessed woman with an amazing husband, beautiful daughter, loving family, and fabulous friends. My husband and I have good jobs, a roof over our heads, and food on the table. To top it off, we have Maddy to keep us going, our Angel, Noah who is forever watching over us, and a baby on the way. I hate the loss that we are dealing with, but I am not going to drown in my sorrow. I want to live my life and not just survive.
I remind my friends and family to keep us in their prayers because we need prayers. We need strength for healing. My biggest fear through all of this is that as time passes, everyone is moving on with their busy lives, and I don't want our family to be forgotten. We have to live with the pain in our hearts, that empty, sad feeling that you can't just push away. Every morning I wake up and Noah is my first thought. He is in my every thought throughout the day, and he is in my last thoughts before I fall asleep. Sometimes, I am even lucky enough to have him visit me in my dreams.
I remind everyone that is reading this tonight to hold their babies tight and count their blessings because there are so many people that would give anything to have healthy kids, but because of medical reasons, can't and there are millions of parents that would do anything to have their babies with them here on Earth and not watching over them from above.
