November 9th is 6 months since the dreadful day that we lost Noah! It is hard to believe that he has been gone for 6 months. I think of all that we have missed out on with him...sitting up, crawling, walking, first foods, first words, and I get so angry. We wanted to dress Madelyn and Noah up as Raggedy Ann and Andy this year for Halloween, but instead, we only got to take Madelyn out and she dressed up as Dorothy. I wonder what he would look like and what his voice would sound like if he was still with us. And I think of how he was trying so hard to roll over and was just starting to find his voice the last few days of his life. I look forward to the day when I get think of the precious memories we have of him and it doesn't tear me apart. I am so thankful for the memories, but when I think of his blue eyes, his kisses, and that smile...oh that smile...it brings me to tears.
I have been thinking about and dreading December 17th, Noah's first birthday. We won't get to throw him a party and watch him dig into his cake for the first time. Instead, we will be missing him and looking back on the day that we welcomed him into our lives. I remember how worried I was that I wouldn't be able to love him as much because I already loved Maddy so much and the instant I heard his cries, I knew my life was now complete. It's ironic how much time a person spends worrying about stuff that never happens and the stuff that you never think about crushes your family without notice. I think of the Garth Brooks song "The Dance" when I think of our brief time with Noah. I am glad that I didn't know what the plan was for Noah because if we had known we only had 4 months 22 days, I don't think we would have been able to enjoy every single day as we did. Instead, we would have spent those days wishing away the inevitable. A lady asked me about a month ago how I deal with Noah's death. I said, I have no choice, so I think of the positives, and lean on my faith because otherwise I would go insane and lead a bitter life. She said that perhaps Noah was going to get sick later on down the road, so God saved him from that pain. I told her I had thought of that and other people had mentioned that and that does give me some comfort. She said maybe He should have just given me a miscarriage so I didn't have to deal with Noah's loss after getting so attached. My response? No way, I didn't want a miscarriage. I cherish the time we had with Noah and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Our lives are what they are because of the time that we were given with our beautiful son and unfortunately, his death has also defined us. It has made our marriage stronger when it could have crumbled our marriage. I put a quote on my Facebook the other day "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have". I remember asking over and over what I was going to do on my way to Mauston from Tomah when I was going to the hospital. When the numbness and shock wore off, I realized that we had 2 choices, either we could let it destroy us or we could grow from it. So, we chose number 2. We want Maddy to grow up with memories of her brother, so we will tell stories, and show her pictures. We never want anyone to forget Noah because he was such a special little boy and he touched thousands of hearts both during his life and after. Not a second goes by that I don't think of him. Some thoughts are happy and some thoughts are bitter.
Tonight I was looking at the Toyland flyer and looking at the boy toys. Christmas is going to be hard this year. Noah had his first and last Christmas last year. I remember sitting by the Christmas tree last year, Kevin was helping Maddy open her gifts and I was holding Noah and I was so thankful for the perfect family that I was blessed with.
We are preparing for the arrival of our 2nd son in 3 short months. We went and picked up a few things for his a few weeks ago and that was emotional. Noah will forever be our 4 month old little boy, so everything I picked out for this little boy, I thought of Noah. We are working on redoing Noah's room to get ready for this little guy and it seems so unfair. I almost feel guilty when I get excited because I would do anything to have no back and it almost feels like I am choosing this baby over Noah, even though I was never given that choice, I was just forced to accept it. I am excited to welcome this little boy into our lives and once again hold a baby close to me, hear his cries, have sleepless nights, and feel just a little more whole. We will never be complete and Noah will never be replaced, but I think having this addition to our family will add a little joy where we have had so much heartache!
