It's closing in on three months since we lost Noah. It's hard to believe. Some days it feels like he's been gone forever and some days it feels like just yesterday. He still consumes my every thought. Everything we do I think "Noah should be doing this, too". Maddy mentions Noah almost every day, sometimes several times a day. It breaks my heart when she does, but I am also glad that she remembers him. I never want her to forget her baby brother. Yesterday we were at Culvers and a lady carrying her baby boy walked past us. Maddy said "awww, cute baby. It's Noah." Then she stopped, thought for a second, shook her head and said "oh. no." I think for a split second she forgot that Noah was gone. I can handle my own pain, even though I don't understand and I am angry and hurt, I can handle it. But, her pain breaks my heart.
A friend of mine shared this with me: If you lose a spouse, you're called a widow, or a widower. If you're a child and you lose your parents, then you're an orphan. But what's the word to describe a parent who loses a child? I guess the pain of losing a child is too awful to have a name.
I never thought of it, but three months ago, I never thought I would be enrolled into this "club". I have learned more in these three months that I cared to learn a lifetime. I often wonder "why me", but I am determined to make something positive of this experience. I want to be strong for Maddy. We want Maddy to have her safe haven here at home. We have a stronger marriage than we did three months ago.
I'm anxious for the day when I can think of Noah and talk about memories of him and not feel sad. When I think of his giggles, his smile, his beautiful blue eyes, I feel so empty and want so badly to relive those experiences.
Sunday night Maddy was talking about Noah and she said that Noah's with Jesus. And she followed that with "Jesus rocks Noah". I don't know where she got that because Kevin and I have never told her that, but I want to believe that he has reassured her of that because if I can't have him with me, at least I know that he is being loved in the best place imaginable! Yesterday morning my alarm clock was going off. I use my cell phone for my alarm. When I looked at the screen, it was a picture of Noah staring at me. I don't have that picture on my phone anywhere, so I'm not sure how it got on there and even later on in the day when I tried to retrieve that photo, I couldn't. I believe Noah made that possible. It was a beautiful start to my day to wake up looking into my son's eyes!
Since Noah's passing, I have met several parents that have also lost children. I attend a grief support group and when I walk out of each session, I feel so normal and so relaxed. I talk to so many people that want to help, but I am so glad that I have found people that can tell me that they went through a similar loss and it will get easier. That makes my really bad days a little easier because it gives me reassurance that what I am feeling is normal.
My babysitter that was watching Noah that terrible day has always had a special place in my heart. I grew up around her family, babysat her kids when I was growing up, and now she takes care of my kids. It is crazy to me how life circles, but so neat. I worry about her because she carries the burden of that day, but Kevin & I have told her over and over and over we do not blame her. We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that our kids are safe and loved at her home. I know it is selfish, but we are thankful that it didn't happen at our house. We wouldn't want that on top of the grief we are dealing with. I pray for her continuously throughout the day. I pray that she finds peace with the situation and I pray that she can find comfort in the fact that we do not blame her. I wish there were answers to our questions, but there aren't, so we have to have faith that God doesn't make mistakes and that he has reasons for this. I battle with that because I thought we had a pretty good plan for him here on Earth and we still had a lot in store for him. But, we had that taken from us, so we grabbed on to our faith and pray that we get through this.
I have realized how much time a person spends complaining and worrying about the small things. Everyone has heard "don't sweat the small stuff", but it's so true. Life is so short and so fragile. You can live your life grumbling about the small stuff or you can brush it off and find the silver lining. I think Kevin and I are pretty positive people, but this loss has made us even more positive. We could sit and hate the world and play poor pity me, but that wouldn't change what we went through. So, we will continue to be positive and find the good in people and the good in the world. I have said from day one, we have lost so much, but we are still so blessed. And we are.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
A Note To Noah
My Sweet Noah,
Today you would have been 7 months old. It has also been 10 weeks since the last time that I held you in my arms. Every Sunday night I think about the last Sunday we spent together and every Monday I think of the day you left us. Every second in between, I think of how much I miss you and how unfair it is that you had to leave us and how perfect you were.
I loved everything about you-your smiles, your belly laughs, your chunky frame, and your kisses! I would do anything to have just one more day with you, to hold you in my arms, and tell you how much I love you. I am at peace knowing that we showered you with kisses and made sure you were safe.
I know you are with us and I pray that you watch over us and send us signs. Please keep watch over your sister Madelyn. She misses you and seems so sad. Just tonight I was watching her on the swings and she just looked so lost. I know you were only a baby, but you made our family complete. Our house is quiet and empty without you here. I go into your room every now and then just to look around and feel your presence. Deep down, I hope that I am going to wake up from this nightmare and you will be laying in your crib happy as can be.
I am angered that we are left to live with your loss and try to make the most of the fact that we did have 4 wonderful months. But, it is difficult to go on as a family of 4 with only 3 of us left to walk this earth together. We had so many plans for this summer for the 4 of us, but after we lost you, we have no desire. We try to do fun things for Maddy, but we are so sad that you are missing out on those fun things. Four months is not long enough, but what is "long enough"? I feel that I was robbed. I had faith that we were worthy of having a healthy family of four and it wasn't just "luck", but then we lost you and I wonder why we were chosen to deal with this experience.
There are millions of kids that are abused and neglected. You were loved so much and I counted my blessings daily for giving me 2 healthy kids. I always said I didn't need a lot of money or material things. All I asked was for a healthy family and the ability to provide my family with the necessities in life. I don't like to look at other families and wonder what they did right. But, I do and I think I forever will.
I pray that you are in Heaven and you are being held tight and I am positive that you are being so loved. I know people say that Heaven needed an angel, but we needed you here! I am forever changed and I can only hope that I can come out of this a strong person and a better mommy that I was before. Please watch over us Noah baby. Send us a sign-we need it! We love you to the moon and back...
Love always & forever, Mommy
Today you would have been 7 months old. It has also been 10 weeks since the last time that I held you in my arms. Every Sunday night I think about the last Sunday we spent together and every Monday I think of the day you left us. Every second in between, I think of how much I miss you and how unfair it is that you had to leave us and how perfect you were.
I loved everything about you-your smiles, your belly laughs, your chunky frame, and your kisses! I would do anything to have just one more day with you, to hold you in my arms, and tell you how much I love you. I am at peace knowing that we showered you with kisses and made sure you were safe.
I know you are with us and I pray that you watch over us and send us signs. Please keep watch over your sister Madelyn. She misses you and seems so sad. Just tonight I was watching her on the swings and she just looked so lost. I know you were only a baby, but you made our family complete. Our house is quiet and empty without you here. I go into your room every now and then just to look around and feel your presence. Deep down, I hope that I am going to wake up from this nightmare and you will be laying in your crib happy as can be.
I am angered that we are left to live with your loss and try to make the most of the fact that we did have 4 wonderful months. But, it is difficult to go on as a family of 4 with only 3 of us left to walk this earth together. We had so many plans for this summer for the 4 of us, but after we lost you, we have no desire. We try to do fun things for Maddy, but we are so sad that you are missing out on those fun things. Four months is not long enough, but what is "long enough"? I feel that I was robbed. I had faith that we were worthy of having a healthy family of four and it wasn't just "luck", but then we lost you and I wonder why we were chosen to deal with this experience.
There are millions of kids that are abused and neglected. You were loved so much and I counted my blessings daily for giving me 2 healthy kids. I always said I didn't need a lot of money or material things. All I asked was for a healthy family and the ability to provide my family with the necessities in life. I don't like to look at other families and wonder what they did right. But, I do and I think I forever will.
I pray that you are in Heaven and you are being held tight and I am positive that you are being so loved. I know people say that Heaven needed an angel, but we needed you here! I am forever changed and I can only hope that I can come out of this a strong person and a better mommy that I was before. Please watch over us Noah baby. Send us a sign-we need it! We love you to the moon and back...
Love always & forever, Mommy
Saturday, July 16, 2011
As The World Turns
We had quite a week this week. We finally had Noah's headstone placed on Monday and it is beautiful! I never would have thought I would be in awe over a headstone, but I am. We now have a marker of where our baby boy is buried and it makes my heart ache. We go up to see Noah several times a week and it can be emotional some days and other days it can be comforting. Seeing his grave for the first time with the black granite headstone, engraved with our son's name, took my breath away. I cried harder than I have in a while and it all became so much more real. I haven't been able to bring myself to go back up to the cemetery since that day.
I had the pleasure of talking to a mother that lost her son 2 years ago in a car accident. I have never previously talked to her, but the words of wisdom that she offered comforted me and gave me strong hope that I will get used to this new normal that I have been forced to accept. She explained a lot of the emotions that she has dealt with and it is everything that I am going through. I function as best I can. For the last 10 weeks, I have been waking up and living. Some mornings it takes everything in me to put my feet on the floor and face the world. Some days I feel a peace surrounding me and I feel confident that I will survive this and come out the strongest woman ever. So many people tell me that I "inspire" them. That is a compliment, but I am nothing special. I am living and dealing with the situation because I refuse to let it ruin me and my family. Right now, my main concern is my husband and my daughter.
We lost our son and we wish we could change that, but we can't. So, we deal with the situation because unfortunately, life goes on. The world won't stop spinning just because we are grieving. We aren't the first people in this world to have lost a child, but we are determined to stand strong and make sure that Noah's memory lives on forever. Sure, he was only here for 4 months and I realize I have another child left, but that doesn't make it easier to deal with.
10 weeks have past and every day is a battle for me. Some days I want to be around people and it comforts me to have such strong support near me and other days, I want to close the blinds and sit in our house with Kevin and Maddy. Kevin is the only one who truly understands the loss that I am feeling and I don't have to explain how I feel to him. He just senses when I am having a bad day. He knows when I need a hug and he knows when I need 5 minutes to myself to think and to cry. We have found great friends that we never realized we had and I have been warned that I will probably lose some friends that can't handle the grieving process. I will never be back to myself. A part of me is gone. I am changed and forever will be. I just have to learn how to live day by day with a scar on my heart.
Today was my nephew's birthday party. He is 2 and the ironic thing is that 2 years ago, he spent 3 weeks in the NICU in Madison and was a miracle baby. Doctors didn't think he would survive, but he did and he is a perfectly normal 2 year old today. I had a hard time today. I dread the celebrations to come...all of which Noah should have been a part of. It is cruel that I have to, along with millions of other parents in the world, were chosen to take on this role and I pray that with birthdays, holidays, milestones, that I will find a way to deal that helps ease the pain of functioning without Noah. My best friend has a son that is 2 months older than Noah. It is hard to watch him and think in 2 months, Noah should be doing that. I went to her house the day of Noah's funeral and her son started crawling. I was thinking this week that it's been 2 months since he started crawling, so if Noah was alive, he would be crawling by now, too. I love her and I love her family. But, he was supposed to be Noah's buddy.
I try not to ask myself "why me?" because I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but then my next thought is "why me?". I hope that one day I can be support for another parent that needs words of comfort. I want to be healed to the point that I can say "it will get easier", but so far, I don't believe that. My every thought is consumed by our loss. I go to work every day. It helps me to get out and keep busy. I have great co-workers that make it easy to face the workday. Both Kevin & I are so lucky to have co-workers that understand and friends and family that are always there for us. But, some days, we just don't have it in us to face the world and try to put on a happy face. Some days we prefer to take refuge in our own home, just the 3 of us, because that is what is comforting to us right now.
I had the pleasure of talking to a mother that lost her son 2 years ago in a car accident. I have never previously talked to her, but the words of wisdom that she offered comforted me and gave me strong hope that I will get used to this new normal that I have been forced to accept. She explained a lot of the emotions that she has dealt with and it is everything that I am going through. I function as best I can. For the last 10 weeks, I have been waking up and living. Some mornings it takes everything in me to put my feet on the floor and face the world. Some days I feel a peace surrounding me and I feel confident that I will survive this and come out the strongest woman ever. So many people tell me that I "inspire" them. That is a compliment, but I am nothing special. I am living and dealing with the situation because I refuse to let it ruin me and my family. Right now, my main concern is my husband and my daughter.
We lost our son and we wish we could change that, but we can't. So, we deal with the situation because unfortunately, life goes on. The world won't stop spinning just because we are grieving. We aren't the first people in this world to have lost a child, but we are determined to stand strong and make sure that Noah's memory lives on forever. Sure, he was only here for 4 months and I realize I have another child left, but that doesn't make it easier to deal with.
10 weeks have past and every day is a battle for me. Some days I want to be around people and it comforts me to have such strong support near me and other days, I want to close the blinds and sit in our house with Kevin and Maddy. Kevin is the only one who truly understands the loss that I am feeling and I don't have to explain how I feel to him. He just senses when I am having a bad day. He knows when I need a hug and he knows when I need 5 minutes to myself to think and to cry. We have found great friends that we never realized we had and I have been warned that I will probably lose some friends that can't handle the grieving process. I will never be back to myself. A part of me is gone. I am changed and forever will be. I just have to learn how to live day by day with a scar on my heart.
Today was my nephew's birthday party. He is 2 and the ironic thing is that 2 years ago, he spent 3 weeks in the NICU in Madison and was a miracle baby. Doctors didn't think he would survive, but he did and he is a perfectly normal 2 year old today. I had a hard time today. I dread the celebrations to come...all of which Noah should have been a part of. It is cruel that I have to, along with millions of other parents in the world, were chosen to take on this role and I pray that with birthdays, holidays, milestones, that I will find a way to deal that helps ease the pain of functioning without Noah. My best friend has a son that is 2 months older than Noah. It is hard to watch him and think in 2 months, Noah should be doing that. I went to her house the day of Noah's funeral and her son started crawling. I was thinking this week that it's been 2 months since he started crawling, so if Noah was alive, he would be crawling by now, too. I love her and I love her family. But, he was supposed to be Noah's buddy.
I try not to ask myself "why me?" because I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but then my next thought is "why me?". I hope that one day I can be support for another parent that needs words of comfort. I want to be healed to the point that I can say "it will get easier", but so far, I don't believe that. My every thought is consumed by our loss. I go to work every day. It helps me to get out and keep busy. I have great co-workers that make it easy to face the workday. Both Kevin & I are so lucky to have co-workers that understand and friends and family that are always there for us. But, some days, we just don't have it in us to face the world and try to put on a happy face. Some days we prefer to take refuge in our own home, just the 3 of us, because that is what is comforting to us right now.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
I Didn't Sign Up For This
In the past 2 months, I have learned so much and experienced more than I ever wanted to experience in a lifetime. I wish I could have one more day with Noah. I am thankful and will forever be thankful that we had a healthy baby and 4 great months with him. We didn't take a day for granted, but he also didn't suffer. On the other hand, that makes it so much harder to accept. He was healthy one minute and gone the next. It doesn't seem right.
I have found that Kevin and I have more friends and family that care about us than we ever knew and that makes the pain a little easier to handle. The support we have received is overwhelming. Our bosses were with us at the hospital on that horrible Monday and our closest friends and family showed up. It sounds foolish now, but at the time, I couldn't believe people were taking time out of their day to come to the hospital to sit with us.
We have learned more than ever during this tragedy the benefits of living in a small town. Businesses, friends, even strangers came together to host benefits for our family, dropped off food, sent cards. I was overwhelmed by the amount of people that offered to help us any way possible. I told my friend that I can't believe how much people care. Her response was "You reap what you Sow". I had never thought of it that way, but she said it perfectly. Kevin & I are good people. We are hardworkers and we are willing to help anyone out however we can. We are who we are, but we have never done anything expecting payback. But, I think we received our "payback" when we needed it most and for that we will be forever grateful.
I don't know how I got signed up for this journey, but I wish I could remove my name from the list, but I know that's not possible. In a grief support group I attend, a girl says that we are in a club that we didn't want to be a part of and that says it perfectly. I remember the night Noah died, I was in his room looking for the perfect outfit for him to be buried in. I wanted something cozy. I went through his dresser and just sobbed, I should not have to be making arrangements for my son.
We are trying to make the most of this summer and one thing that we are anxious to get is Noah's headstone that we recently purchased. I'm 29 years old. I should be excited about some luxurious purchase, but instead I'm anxiously awaiting the day that Noah Paul gets his headstone. These are things that I never thought of and I pray that everyone that is reading this and has kids holds them tight and cherishes every minute they have with them because there are so many people in the world that would do anything to be able to have kids, but because of medical reasons, can't and there are parents in the world that have lost children and would give anything to have them back.
I used to read obituaries and always felt sad when I would read "preceded in death by an infant son/daughter". MY obituary is going to say that and I don't want that. I have plans in my life and I never expected they could be shattered by losing my child.
I got to hold Noah for the last time while our Pastor said a prayer for our family at the wake and I wish I could turn back and hold him just one last time. I would do anything to feel his warm, chunky body in my arms and get one of his wet kisses on my cheek. I miss him more each day. At the funeral, I looked around the church and thought, we have had such happy times in that church--I stood up in my best friend's wedding 10 years ago in that church, in 2007, I married my wonderful husband, in 2009 we got Maddy baptized there, and just a month before the funeral, I was standing up at the front of the church getting Noah baptized. Now, I add the fact that one of the most relaxing places that I love to go now holds the memory of the worst event of my life. Noah is buried in the church cemetery, so now every day that we go to church, I feel Noah there with us.
I am lucky, I have an amazing husband and we are very much on the same page with this whole situation. We have bad days, we cry together, we lean on eachother, and we love Maddy even more than we ever thought possible. The day in the hospital when our babysitter walked in the room, I hugged her and told her not to blame herself. I then wondered if Kevin would blame her. But, we don't have an ounce of anger towards her. I know she would give anything to change this, but it's beyond our control. It was a horrible, tragic event, but beyond our control. I told her before I had Maddy that she's the only one that I could trust my kids with and still to this day, I wouldn't change a thing. I can go to work each day and be comforted that our kids are in the best of hands. People have asked how we can not hate her. I have so much hurt and anger, I don't need to add hate to the list. I think people blame because that helps ease the hurt in some strange way. Kevin & I want to be mad. We want someone to blame, but we can't find anyone. The only person that we both are angry at sometimes is God and I know that's ok. But, as I said before we go from being mad and doubting our faith to begging him for strength and answers. It's a crazy rollercoaster ride we are on!
I read "Heaven Is For Real" the other day. That book gave me so much comfort and it makes me so axious to be reuinted with Noah one day years down the road. Right now, he is in a fabulous place and one day we will all be together and we will have the answers that we need, but by then they won't matter because I will be whole once again.
I have found that Kevin and I have more friends and family that care about us than we ever knew and that makes the pain a little easier to handle. The support we have received is overwhelming. Our bosses were with us at the hospital on that horrible Monday and our closest friends and family showed up. It sounds foolish now, but at the time, I couldn't believe people were taking time out of their day to come to the hospital to sit with us.
We have learned more than ever during this tragedy the benefits of living in a small town. Businesses, friends, even strangers came together to host benefits for our family, dropped off food, sent cards. I was overwhelmed by the amount of people that offered to help us any way possible. I told my friend that I can't believe how much people care. Her response was "You reap what you Sow". I had never thought of it that way, but she said it perfectly. Kevin & I are good people. We are hardworkers and we are willing to help anyone out however we can. We are who we are, but we have never done anything expecting payback. But, I think we received our "payback" when we needed it most and for that we will be forever grateful.
I don't know how I got signed up for this journey, but I wish I could remove my name from the list, but I know that's not possible. In a grief support group I attend, a girl says that we are in a club that we didn't want to be a part of and that says it perfectly. I remember the night Noah died, I was in his room looking for the perfect outfit for him to be buried in. I wanted something cozy. I went through his dresser and just sobbed, I should not have to be making arrangements for my son.
We are trying to make the most of this summer and one thing that we are anxious to get is Noah's headstone that we recently purchased. I'm 29 years old. I should be excited about some luxurious purchase, but instead I'm anxiously awaiting the day that Noah Paul gets his headstone. These are things that I never thought of and I pray that everyone that is reading this and has kids holds them tight and cherishes every minute they have with them because there are so many people in the world that would do anything to be able to have kids, but because of medical reasons, can't and there are parents in the world that have lost children and would give anything to have them back.
I used to read obituaries and always felt sad when I would read "preceded in death by an infant son/daughter". MY obituary is going to say that and I don't want that. I have plans in my life and I never expected they could be shattered by losing my child.
I got to hold Noah for the last time while our Pastor said a prayer for our family at the wake and I wish I could turn back and hold him just one last time. I would do anything to feel his warm, chunky body in my arms and get one of his wet kisses on my cheek. I miss him more each day. At the funeral, I looked around the church and thought, we have had such happy times in that church--I stood up in my best friend's wedding 10 years ago in that church, in 2007, I married my wonderful husband, in 2009 we got Maddy baptized there, and just a month before the funeral, I was standing up at the front of the church getting Noah baptized. Now, I add the fact that one of the most relaxing places that I love to go now holds the memory of the worst event of my life. Noah is buried in the church cemetery, so now every day that we go to church, I feel Noah there with us.
I am lucky, I have an amazing husband and we are very much on the same page with this whole situation. We have bad days, we cry together, we lean on eachother, and we love Maddy even more than we ever thought possible. The day in the hospital when our babysitter walked in the room, I hugged her and told her not to blame herself. I then wondered if Kevin would blame her. But, we don't have an ounce of anger towards her. I know she would give anything to change this, but it's beyond our control. It was a horrible, tragic event, but beyond our control. I told her before I had Maddy that she's the only one that I could trust my kids with and still to this day, I wouldn't change a thing. I can go to work each day and be comforted that our kids are in the best of hands. People have asked how we can not hate her. I have so much hurt and anger, I don't need to add hate to the list. I think people blame because that helps ease the hurt in some strange way. Kevin & I want to be mad. We want someone to blame, but we can't find anyone. The only person that we both are angry at sometimes is God and I know that's ok. But, as I said before we go from being mad and doubting our faith to begging him for strength and answers. It's a crazy rollercoaster ride we are on!
I read "Heaven Is For Real" the other day. That book gave me so much comfort and it makes me so axious to be reuinted with Noah one day years down the road. Right now, he is in a fabulous place and one day we will all be together and we will have the answers that we need, but by then they won't matter because I will be whole once again.
Friday, July 8, 2011
The Worst Day Of My Life
I can't believe that it has been 2 months since the last time that I held my son. They say times heals all wounds, but every day that we live without Noah, the more we miss him, the angrier we get, and the more desperate we are for answers.
Monday, May 9th started out as just an ordinary Monday. I kissed my kids good-bye and left for work, never thinking that I would never see Noah alive again. If I had known that in a few hours, I would be getting the dreaded phone call, I would have done a million things differently that day. I was getting some work done when my phone rang and it was Kevin. I will never in my life forget that phone call or the tone of his voice. He was so calm. All he said was "Noah's dead". "Come to the hospital. Now." I sat in my chair for a second, just staring at my phone and digested the words. I got up from my desk and ran to my boss's office. I remember telling her that "Noah's dead". She said, "no!" She was so matter of fact that for a split second I thought it was a dirty joke and then I realized that Kevin would never do that to me. We called him back and he said he was following the ambulance and I needed to get there.
My bosses drove me to Mauston from Tomah. It was pouring rain and it felt like we were in that car for 3 hours. We finally got to the hospital and they escorted me to a little room. Kevin was just sitting there. The chaplain was on the phone and asking if anyone knew "Paula". I told him it was my mom and grabbed the phone. All she asked is if Noah was ok. I looked around and asked if Noah was ok. At this point, I still didn't know what was going on, but I expected that Kevin had overreacted and had faith that he was fine. They all just shook their heads at me.
I was in shock. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, but I was just numb. After a while, our Pastor showed up and we got to go into the ER to hold Noah. He looked so perfect on the hospital bed and so tiny. He was swaddled in a blanket and just looked like he was sleeping. It looked like I should be taking him home from the hospital as a newborn, not getting ready to leave without him. This isn't fair. This doesn't happen to good people. I rocked him for a bit and handed him back to the nurse. Giving him back was the hardest thing in the world. I wanted to run out the door with him. I wanted him to open his eyes and smile at me to let me know he was ok.
I remember sitting in that little family waiting room and wondering what we do next. I didn't want to leave because if we left, we were accepting the fact that Noah was gone. I didn't know how to walk out of that hospital and not take my baby boy with me. It was so scary and so surreal. We finally left after almost 5 hours of crying, talking, praying, thinking, re-thinking.
I never in my life expected that I would be planning my child's funeral. I carried my son for 9 months. I ate healthy foods, cut back on caffeine, didn't drink, didn't smoke. I had a healthy 7 lb 14 oz baby boy on December 17th, 2010. I breastfed because that is "best" for babies and it reduces SIDS, sickness, etc. My husband & I lived for our kids. When we weren't working to support our family, we were spending time as a family. I did everything right. I liked the age my kids were at because I thought I could protect them from dangers of the world. I found out on May 9, 2011 that we only have so much control. The rest lies in the hands of a Higher Power and we have to have faith that there is a plan that we may not understand now, but some day, we will know why. Our questions will be answered and we will once again be united with our blue-eyed baby boy for eternity. It is so easy to lose faith during this tragic time and I won't lie, some days my faith is tested to the core. Some days I curse God out, but 5 minutes later, I'm begging for strength to make it through. But, without faith, we would all go crazy and sit at home sulking and hating the world and everyone in it. And there is so much good in the world. I have found out during this tragedy that there is more good in this world than you could ever imagine. It's hard to believe how many lives our 4 month old Noah Paul touched in his short time on earth!
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Monday, May 9th started out as just an ordinary Monday. I kissed my kids good-bye and left for work, never thinking that I would never see Noah alive again. If I had known that in a few hours, I would be getting the dreaded phone call, I would have done a million things differently that day. I was getting some work done when my phone rang and it was Kevin. I will never in my life forget that phone call or the tone of his voice. He was so calm. All he said was "Noah's dead". "Come to the hospital. Now." I sat in my chair for a second, just staring at my phone and digested the words. I got up from my desk and ran to my boss's office. I remember telling her that "Noah's dead". She said, "no!" She was so matter of fact that for a split second I thought it was a dirty joke and then I realized that Kevin would never do that to me. We called him back and he said he was following the ambulance and I needed to get there.
My bosses drove me to Mauston from Tomah. It was pouring rain and it felt like we were in that car for 3 hours. We finally got to the hospital and they escorted me to a little room. Kevin was just sitting there. The chaplain was on the phone and asking if anyone knew "Paula". I told him it was my mom and grabbed the phone. All she asked is if Noah was ok. I looked around and asked if Noah was ok. At this point, I still didn't know what was going on, but I expected that Kevin had overreacted and had faith that he was fine. They all just shook their heads at me.
I was in shock. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, but I was just numb. After a while, our Pastor showed up and we got to go into the ER to hold Noah. He looked so perfect on the hospital bed and so tiny. He was swaddled in a blanket and just looked like he was sleeping. It looked like I should be taking him home from the hospital as a newborn, not getting ready to leave without him. This isn't fair. This doesn't happen to good people. I rocked him for a bit and handed him back to the nurse. Giving him back was the hardest thing in the world. I wanted to run out the door with him. I wanted him to open his eyes and smile at me to let me know he was ok.
I remember sitting in that little family waiting room and wondering what we do next. I didn't want to leave because if we left, we were accepting the fact that Noah was gone. I didn't know how to walk out of that hospital and not take my baby boy with me. It was so scary and so surreal. We finally left after almost 5 hours of crying, talking, praying, thinking, re-thinking.
I never in my life expected that I would be planning my child's funeral. I carried my son for 9 months. I ate healthy foods, cut back on caffeine, didn't drink, didn't smoke. I had a healthy 7 lb 14 oz baby boy on December 17th, 2010. I breastfed because that is "best" for babies and it reduces SIDS, sickness, etc. My husband & I lived for our kids. When we weren't working to support our family, we were spending time as a family. I did everything right. I liked the age my kids were at because I thought I could protect them from dangers of the world. I found out on May 9, 2011 that we only have so much control. The rest lies in the hands of a Higher Power and we have to have faith that there is a plan that we may not understand now, but some day, we will know why. Our questions will be answered and we will once again be united with our blue-eyed baby boy for eternity. It is so easy to lose faith during this tragic time and I won't lie, some days my faith is tested to the core. Some days I curse God out, but 5 minutes later, I'm begging for strength to make it through. But, without faith, we would all go crazy and sit at home sulking and hating the world and everyone in it. And there is so much good in the world. I have found out during this tragedy that there is more good in this world than you could ever imagine. It's hard to believe how many lives our 4 month old Noah Paul touched in his short time on earth!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Counting My Blessings
All I ever wanted in life was a loving husband and babies. I used to picture myself with ten kids and then I grew up and got real. I married the most wonderful guy I had ever met on October 6th, 2007 and we welcomed our beautiful daughter, Madelyn into the world on December 13, 2008. Our life was perfect and we couldn't get enough of our little girl. We questioned what we did before we had her and how meaningless our life had been. Funny how by having a child, your own needs and wants change and your only concern is making sure that your child has everything they could possibly need and want.
We decided in early 2010 that we wanted to expand our family. When I found out I was pregnant, I cried. I was so happy yet so nervous. I didn't think it was possible that I could love another human like I loved Madelyn. I remember sitting in Madelyn's room one night watching her sleep and just sobbing. I felt so guilty that I was having another baby and so afraid that she was going to feel neglected because our focus would be on this new baby. I was scheduled for c-section on December 17th. We spent the day with Maddy on December 16th, just enjoying our last day as a family of three. I hardly slept a wink that night, worrying about the thought of adding another child to our happy home.
December 17th came and at 1:04 PM, I heard the most beautiful cries of my son, Noah Paul. I instantly knew that my heart had enough love to offer for both of my children! When the doctor brought Noah over, I kissed his little cheeks and he looked at me with big blue eyes. When I was finally done in surgery, they wheeled me up and I got to hold my son for the first time. The love that I felt for him was so much the same as the love I had for my daughter, yet so different. I knew instantly that I was complete. I had everything I could want in life and so much more. I bonded instantly with him and just cried happy tears.
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The happiest moment for me was when Madelyn got to come in the room to meet her new baby brother. She acted like she had known him forever and loved him instantly. Being in that hospital room as a family of four was the best feeling in the world. From that day forward, she loved her brother and never passed up a chance to smother him with kisses or just taking a break from playing to go talk to him for a bit.
The day we brought Noah home it felt like we had always had our family of four and I was sure that nothing was going to come between us. I am a constant worrier, but for the first time in my life, I convinced myself that I was blessed with a perfect family and nothing could take that away from me.
I thanked God every day for the life that he had given me and counted my blessings over and over. My kids were given thousands of kisses every day and probably reminded of my love for them twice for every kiss I gave them. I didn't take a day for granted. I did everything right-I wasn't overprotective, but I tried my best to offer them the best that I could to make sure that they were healthy and happy.
Noah was the most perfect baby I had ever known. From the first night in the hospital, he slept through the night. He didn't fuss. He just soaked up every bit of life that was around him. I said many times that he was almost too good to be true. When we had Madelyn, we thought she was the best baby one could ask for, but when we met Noah, we found out what a good baby really is. He wasn't just good. He was perfect. He was perfect in every aspect. The only time he fussed was when he was really tired and it wasn't the normal fussy cry, it was just a quiet cry. I'd lay him in his bed and he'd be off to sleep.
We enjoyed every chance we had with our kids. My last memory of the four of us was May 8, 2011. It was Mother's Day. Kevin took me out for dinner and my mom watched my kids. After dinner, we picked the kids up and headed home. We were both tired from a long weekend of running, but we decided we should take the kids for a walk since it was a nice night. We tried to put them both in the wagon we bought them for Christmas, but Noah was still a little unstable, so Maddy sat in the wagon and I pushed Noah in the stroller. We walked the whole circle around town, a much longer walk than we normally take, but it was so nice out and we were having such a nice time talking and watching our kids enjoy the stroll. We got home that night and I gave them each a bath. Maddy was playing in the tub, so I got Noah out, lotioned him up, and got him into his jammies. They were a pair of my favorite pajamas he had, they had little whales on them and were red and blue. I layed him on my bedroom floor and he just kicked and cooed and the light and ceiling fan. I then got Maddy out and dressed and we relaxed for a bit before bedtime.
Noah usually slept through the night every night, but that night he woke up twice. He wasn't crying for food, he just wanted his pacifier and then he would drift off to sleep. If I had known that would be the last time he would wake me up with his cries, I would have sat up all night and just held him. The next morning, I got ready for work and Kevin got Noah out of his bed and fed him his bottle. Before I left for work, I went into our bedroom and Noah was laying on Kevin's belly and looked up at me with the biggest smile I will never forget. I kissed his cheek and he gave me a loud belly laugh. I remember, I just wanted to climb back into bed and spend the day with my family, but I had to get going to work. I never thought for a second that would be the last time I saw my baby boy alive.
We decided in early 2010 that we wanted to expand our family. When I found out I was pregnant, I cried. I was so happy yet so nervous. I didn't think it was possible that I could love another human like I loved Madelyn. I remember sitting in Madelyn's room one night watching her sleep and just sobbing. I felt so guilty that I was having another baby and so afraid that she was going to feel neglected because our focus would be on this new baby. I was scheduled for c-section on December 17th. We spent the day with Maddy on December 16th, just enjoying our last day as a family of three. I hardly slept a wink that night, worrying about the thought of adding another child to our happy home.
December 17th came and at 1:04 PM, I heard the most beautiful cries of my son, Noah Paul. I instantly knew that my heart had enough love to offer for both of my children! When the doctor brought Noah over, I kissed his little cheeks and he looked at me with big blue eyes. When I was finally done in surgery, they wheeled me up and I got to hold my son for the first time. The love that I felt for him was so much the same as the love I had for my daughter, yet so different. I knew instantly that I was complete. I had everything I could want in life and so much more. I bonded instantly with him and just cried happy tears.
The day we brought Noah home it felt like we had always had our family of four and I was sure that nothing was going to come between us. I am a constant worrier, but for the first time in my life, I convinced myself that I was blessed with a perfect family and nothing could take that away from me.
I thanked God every day for the life that he had given me and counted my blessings over and over. My kids were given thousands of kisses every day and probably reminded of my love for them twice for every kiss I gave them. I didn't take a day for granted. I did everything right-I wasn't overprotective, but I tried my best to offer them the best that I could to make sure that they were healthy and happy.
Noah was the most perfect baby I had ever known. From the first night in the hospital, he slept through the night. He didn't fuss. He just soaked up every bit of life that was around him. I said many times that he was almost too good to be true. When we had Madelyn, we thought she was the best baby one could ask for, but when we met Noah, we found out what a good baby really is. He wasn't just good. He was perfect. He was perfect in every aspect. The only time he fussed was when he was really tired and it wasn't the normal fussy cry, it was just a quiet cry. I'd lay him in his bed and he'd be off to sleep.
We enjoyed every chance we had with our kids. My last memory of the four of us was May 8, 2011. It was Mother's Day. Kevin took me out for dinner and my mom watched my kids. After dinner, we picked the kids up and headed home. We were both tired from a long weekend of running, but we decided we should take the kids for a walk since it was a nice night. We tried to put them both in the wagon we bought them for Christmas, but Noah was still a little unstable, so Maddy sat in the wagon and I pushed Noah in the stroller. We walked the whole circle around town, a much longer walk than we normally take, but it was so nice out and we were having such a nice time talking and watching our kids enjoy the stroll. We got home that night and I gave them each a bath. Maddy was playing in the tub, so I got Noah out, lotioned him up, and got him into his jammies. They were a pair of my favorite pajamas he had, they had little whales on them and were red and blue. I layed him on my bedroom floor and he just kicked and cooed and the light and ceiling fan. I then got Maddy out and dressed and we relaxed for a bit before bedtime.
Noah usually slept through the night every night, but that night he woke up twice. He wasn't crying for food, he just wanted his pacifier and then he would drift off to sleep. If I had known that would be the last time he would wake me up with his cries, I would have sat up all night and just held him. The next morning, I got ready for work and Kevin got Noah out of his bed and fed him his bottle. Before I left for work, I went into our bedroom and Noah was laying on Kevin's belly and looked up at me with the biggest smile I will never forget. I kissed his cheek and he gave me a loud belly laugh. I remember, I just wanted to climb back into bed and spend the day with my family, but I had to get going to work. I never thought for a second that would be the last time I saw my baby boy alive.
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