I pictured having a first birthay for Noah with trains, trucks, something fun for my little boy. Instead, his first birthday party consisted of tears, hugs, and wish lanterns sent from his grave up to Heaven with birthday wishes for our little Angel. Everyone has always heard not to take a day for granted, but until you are actually hit with it, you can't understand. I will say that I took what I had for granted. I do know that Noah never felt anything less than love, but had I known I only had that short time, we would have had a huge celebration of his life. I will forever be thankful for the fact that on April 10th, we had Noah baptized. We had a party with family and close friends and everyone got to love on that sweet little boy.
Christmas was bittersweet this year. Maddy made it so magical and we wanted it to be extra special for her, but I thought about last Christmas when I sat next to the tree holding Noah and watching Maddy open her presents. I held the best gift that any parent could ask for and my heart was filled with joy and love. I looked at Maddy and Noah and felt so blessed to have two healthy kids and a loving husband. I don't ask for a lot in life. I am thankful for a great husband, good jobs, a warm home filled with love for our kids, and two happy, healthy kids. I can still honestly look around and thank the Lord for all that I have been blessed with, but I do often wonder why. I wish I could rewind. I wish I could wake up from the nightmare that I have been living for almost 8 months, but none of that is an option. So, I face each day with an open mind.
I had this hope that I would wake up on New Year's Day and my pain would miraculously be gone. I know it sounds stupid, but I honestly, deep down thought that with the new year would come new beginnings and I hoped that the hurt would go away. I woke up yesterday morning. I opened my eyes and my first thought was Noah (as is every day) and the tears started flowing. I was so mad that so many people had their resolutions and the only thing that I want is to heal. I want to wake up and have that ache in my heart be gone. Kevin says that the hurt is our reminder so that we don't forget and I agree to a point. I never want to and I know I never will forget Noah. I think of him all day long. I was watching a commercial the other day with a chunky little baby taking a bath in the kitchen sink and my eyes instantly filled with tears. I miss Noah's smile, I miss his warm body, his sweet kisses, and I worry that I will forget how he felt, how he smelled, and the sound of his belly laugh. I will forever wonder what his voice would have sounded like and I will wish that I could have seen him grow into the man that he was supposed to become.
A friend of mine had on her Facebook status the other day "If everyone through their troubles into a pile, you would gladly take your own back". I have said since the day that we lost Noah that it is unfair, that I would give anything to get him back, but I know that I still have it better than a lot of people. I can still count my blessing every day. I look at the positives because I refuse to let it ruin me and I am not going to hate life and be a negative person. Tragedy ruins too many lives and I want Noah to look down on us and smile. I am thankful that I have grown in my faith and my marriage has become stronger.
In just over 5 weeks, we are going to be welcoming our 3rd child into the world. 9 months and 1 day after we lost Noah, we will be celebrating the miracle of life. It's crazy how life works out, but we are willing to take whatever comes our way. We know we have been through the unthinkable, so we can manage whatever hand we are dealt. I know it is going to be bittersweet to meet our little boy in February, but we know that he is a gift sent straight from Noah. I look forward to holding him in my arms and surviving sleepless nights!
