November 9th is 6 months since the dreadful day that we lost Noah! It is hard to believe that he has been gone for 6 months. I think of all that we have missed out on with him...sitting up, crawling, walking, first foods, first words, and I get so angry. We wanted to dress Madelyn and Noah up as Raggedy Ann and Andy this year for Halloween, but instead, we only got to take Madelyn out and she dressed up as Dorothy. I wonder what he would look like and what his voice would sound like if he was still with us. And I think of how he was trying so hard to roll over and was just starting to find his voice the last few days of his life. I look forward to the day when I get think of the precious memories we have of him and it doesn't tear me apart. I am so thankful for the memories, but when I think of his blue eyes, his kisses, and that smile...oh that smile...it brings me to tears.
I have been thinking about and dreading December 17th, Noah's first birthday. We won't get to throw him a party and watch him dig into his cake for the first time. Instead, we will be missing him and looking back on the day that we welcomed him into our lives. I remember how worried I was that I wouldn't be able to love him as much because I already loved Maddy so much and the instant I heard his cries, I knew my life was now complete. It's ironic how much time a person spends worrying about stuff that never happens and the stuff that you never think about crushes your family without notice. I think of the Garth Brooks song "The Dance" when I think of our brief time with Noah. I am glad that I didn't know what the plan was for Noah because if we had known we only had 4 months 22 days, I don't think we would have been able to enjoy every single day as we did. Instead, we would have spent those days wishing away the inevitable. A lady asked me about a month ago how I deal with Noah's death. I said, I have no choice, so I think of the positives, and lean on my faith because otherwise I would go insane and lead a bitter life. She said that perhaps Noah was going to get sick later on down the road, so God saved him from that pain. I told her I had thought of that and other people had mentioned that and that does give me some comfort. She said maybe He should have just given me a miscarriage so I didn't have to deal with Noah's loss after getting so attached. My response? No way, I didn't want a miscarriage. I cherish the time we had with Noah and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Our lives are what they are because of the time that we were given with our beautiful son and unfortunately, his death has also defined us. It has made our marriage stronger when it could have crumbled our marriage. I put a quote on my Facebook the other day "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have". I remember asking over and over what I was going to do on my way to Mauston from Tomah when I was going to the hospital. When the numbness and shock wore off, I realized that we had 2 choices, either we could let it destroy us or we could grow from it. So, we chose number 2. We want Maddy to grow up with memories of her brother, so we will tell stories, and show her pictures. We never want anyone to forget Noah because he was such a special little boy and he touched thousands of hearts both during his life and after. Not a second goes by that I don't think of him. Some thoughts are happy and some thoughts are bitter.
Tonight I was looking at the Toyland flyer and looking at the boy toys. Christmas is going to be hard this year. Noah had his first and last Christmas last year. I remember sitting by the Christmas tree last year, Kevin was helping Maddy open her gifts and I was holding Noah and I was so thankful for the perfect family that I was blessed with.
We are preparing for the arrival of our 2nd son in 3 short months. We went and picked up a few things for his a few weeks ago and that was emotional. Noah will forever be our 4 month old little boy, so everything I picked out for this little boy, I thought of Noah. We are working on redoing Noah's room to get ready for this little guy and it seems so unfair. I almost feel guilty when I get excited because I would do anything to have no back and it almost feels like I am choosing this baby over Noah, even though I was never given that choice, I was just forced to accept it. I am excited to welcome this little boy into our lives and once again hold a baby close to me, hear his cries, have sleepless nights, and feel just a little more whole. We will never be complete and Noah will never be replaced, but I think having this addition to our family will add a little joy where we have had so much heartache!
Friday, November 4, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
It is crazy how you have so many good days that you actually feel like you are making progress with healing and then totally out of the blue, you are hit with a wave of emotions that take you ten steps backwards.
I have had some rough days lately. Last week, Noah visited me in my dreams. I had a dream that Noah was alive, he was just laying on his back playing on his playmat like he did so often. The dream really had nothing to it, but it was so great to feel the warmth in my heart of having him with me again. For the last (almost) 6 months, I have lived with a dull ache in my heart that will forever ache until I hold Noah in my arms again. Saturday night I had a dream about Noah, except it started at the hospital and seemed to drag on until the next thing I knew we were at the funeral home. It was horrible. I woke up and just stared at the ceiling. I was mad once again. Saturday night Maddy disappeared and I found her sitting upstairs staring at Noah's pictures. When I asked her what was wrong, she just shrugged her shoulders and said that she "just misses Noah so much". It breaks my heart. So many times, when we are hanging out as a family having a good time, or just simply being a family, I sit and think we are missing a huge piece of our puzzle.Today Maddy brought home an art project from daycare, candy corn hand prints. She had to make three of them, one for herself, one for Noah, and one for her new baby brother.
I am dreading the next few months. Monday is Halloween and I really wanted to dress Maddy and Noah up as a cute pair. Then we hit Thanksgiving, Noah's 1st Birthday, Christmas.... All of the family times that we look forward to and this year we celebrate without Noah.
We went shopping for a few baby things for our baby boy that is due to arrive February 16, 2012 and it was exciting yet sad. Everything I see reminds me of Noah. As I have said before, he will forever be our 4 month old baby boy. Last night after Maddy went to bed, I just had a breakdown. A breakdown that had been building for a few days and I finally couldn't take it any more. I just look at Noah's pictures and wonder how someone so perfect could be gone in the blink of an eye. I wonder why we had to lose him when we did everything right. Kevin and I live for our kids. Everything we do, we do as a family. We work all week to support our family and on our off time, we spend it together. And we wouldn't have it any other way. I am so excited to have our 3rd child, our 2nd baby boy in February 2012. It will be wonderful to have a new addition to our family, not to replace Noah, but to add to our family. Last year at this time, we were anxiously awaiting Noah's arrival and then we knew that our family would be complete. Now, just a year later, we are grieving our loss and anxiously awaiting the arrival of another little boy. Kevin and I have had said since the day that we found out I was pregnant that this pregnancy was a gift sent straight from Noah and I know without a doubt that he is.
I am slowly getting used to the new normal that I was forced to accept, but I have my really rough days. I am thankful that I can still say at the end of the day that I am blessed. I refuse to focus only on our loss. I also focus on all that we still have and what we have to look forward to. Every day I remind myself that someone always has it worse than we do. It doesn't take the pain away, but it does ease the pain and when I see Maddy's smiles, everything seems right in the world!!
I have had some rough days lately. Last week, Noah visited me in my dreams. I had a dream that Noah was alive, he was just laying on his back playing on his playmat like he did so often. The dream really had nothing to it, but it was so great to feel the warmth in my heart of having him with me again. For the last (almost) 6 months, I have lived with a dull ache in my heart that will forever ache until I hold Noah in my arms again. Saturday night I had a dream about Noah, except it started at the hospital and seemed to drag on until the next thing I knew we were at the funeral home. It was horrible. I woke up and just stared at the ceiling. I was mad once again. Saturday night Maddy disappeared and I found her sitting upstairs staring at Noah's pictures. When I asked her what was wrong, she just shrugged her shoulders and said that she "just misses Noah so much". It breaks my heart. So many times, when we are hanging out as a family having a good time, or just simply being a family, I sit and think we are missing a huge piece of our puzzle.Today Maddy brought home an art project from daycare, candy corn hand prints. She had to make three of them, one for herself, one for Noah, and one for her new baby brother.
I am dreading the next few months. Monday is Halloween and I really wanted to dress Maddy and Noah up as a cute pair. Then we hit Thanksgiving, Noah's 1st Birthday, Christmas.... All of the family times that we look forward to and this year we celebrate without Noah.
We went shopping for a few baby things for our baby boy that is due to arrive February 16, 2012 and it was exciting yet sad. Everything I see reminds me of Noah. As I have said before, he will forever be our 4 month old baby boy. Last night after Maddy went to bed, I just had a breakdown. A breakdown that had been building for a few days and I finally couldn't take it any more. I just look at Noah's pictures and wonder how someone so perfect could be gone in the blink of an eye. I wonder why we had to lose him when we did everything right. Kevin and I live for our kids. Everything we do, we do as a family. We work all week to support our family and on our off time, we spend it together. And we wouldn't have it any other way. I am so excited to have our 3rd child, our 2nd baby boy in February 2012. It will be wonderful to have a new addition to our family, not to replace Noah, but to add to our family. Last year at this time, we were anxiously awaiting Noah's arrival and then we knew that our family would be complete. Now, just a year later, we are grieving our loss and anxiously awaiting the arrival of another little boy. Kevin and I have had said since the day that we found out I was pregnant that this pregnancy was a gift sent straight from Noah and I know without a doubt that he is.
I am slowly getting used to the new normal that I was forced to accept, but I have my really rough days. I am thankful that I can still say at the end of the day that I am blessed. I refuse to focus only on our loss. I also focus on all that we still have and what we have to look forward to. Every day I remind myself that someone always has it worse than we do. It doesn't take the pain away, but it does ease the pain and when I see Maddy's smiles, everything seems right in the world!!
Friday, September 30, 2011
4 Months 22 Days
Dear Noah,
Tomorrow is 4 months 22 days since we lost you. We have been missing you for exactly as many days as we had you with us. I miss you every day. I saw a diaper commercial tonight and it brought tears to my eyes. There are so many simple things in life that I miss, so many things that most people take for granted.
Life isn't the same without you. You have changed me and your daddy so much. We will forever be a little different because of what we loved and lost. We are better people. Our motto in life is: "Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today." ( ~James Dean) It might seem real simple and stupid, but we found out just how fragile life is the day we lost you. Some days I sit and stare at your pictures and I am angry. I am mad that I didn't get to watch you grow into the man that I hoped one day you would become. I am mad that on December 17, 2010, our family was complete. Our little family of four was "perfect". I begged God to give me a healthy baby and I would be content. Then on May 9, 2011, you became our Angel. I have questioned every day since we lost you why, but at the end of the day, I am without answers and I know we are going to be ok. I know we will be with you again soon for eternity!
Maddy misses you. Just last weekend she was asking for her brother Noah. My heart aches for her because she is so innocent and so confused. She was a good big sister. I can't help but miss all of the times that you would smile at her and she would just shriek with excitement that "Noah smiled at me"! We look at your pictures often and she is always so happy to see your face. Some day we will be able to tell her stories about you and she will understand that she has a beautiful baby brother that earned his wings way too soon and we will make sure she knows that you are watching over her every second of her life.
We went to our ultrasound on Tuesday. We found out we are having a boy. I was an emotional wreck all day on Tuesday. I believe that you gave us this gift that I am carrying and I can't wait to meet him. It is unbelievable that we will meet this little boy almost 9 months to the day that we lost you. I won't lie, a part of me wanted you to be our one and only boy for a while, but now that I have had time to think about it, I am so excited to have this little boy in my arms! He is going to be so loved and he will know all about his older brother Noah that he never got to meet. Big brothers are supposed to protect their siblings and I know you will do a good job of that!
Daddy misses you so much, too. His Brewers have their first playoff game tomorrow. We didn't get to go to any Brewer games this year because it was too hard. We talked all winter about going to a Brewer game as a family of four and we never got a chance to do that. But, I really think that you had a hand in sending the Brewers to the playoffs. It sure made your daddy happy!
I am so thankful for the 4 months and 22 days we had with you. I wouldn't trade those days for anything. The old saying says "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" So true it is!
Tomorrow is 4 months 22 days since we lost you. We have been missing you for exactly as many days as we had you with us. I miss you every day. I saw a diaper commercial tonight and it brought tears to my eyes. There are so many simple things in life that I miss, so many things that most people take for granted.
Life isn't the same without you. You have changed me and your daddy so much. We will forever be a little different because of what we loved and lost. We are better people. Our motto in life is: "Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today." ( ~James Dean) It might seem real simple and stupid, but we found out just how fragile life is the day we lost you. Some days I sit and stare at your pictures and I am angry. I am mad that I didn't get to watch you grow into the man that I hoped one day you would become. I am mad that on December 17, 2010, our family was complete. Our little family of four was "perfect". I begged God to give me a healthy baby and I would be content. Then on May 9, 2011, you became our Angel. I have questioned every day since we lost you why, but at the end of the day, I am without answers and I know we are going to be ok. I know we will be with you again soon for eternity!
Maddy misses you. Just last weekend she was asking for her brother Noah. My heart aches for her because she is so innocent and so confused. She was a good big sister. I can't help but miss all of the times that you would smile at her and she would just shriek with excitement that "Noah smiled at me"! We look at your pictures often and she is always so happy to see your face. Some day we will be able to tell her stories about you and she will understand that she has a beautiful baby brother that earned his wings way too soon and we will make sure she knows that you are watching over her every second of her life.
We went to our ultrasound on Tuesday. We found out we are having a boy. I was an emotional wreck all day on Tuesday. I believe that you gave us this gift that I am carrying and I can't wait to meet him. It is unbelievable that we will meet this little boy almost 9 months to the day that we lost you. I won't lie, a part of me wanted you to be our one and only boy for a while, but now that I have had time to think about it, I am so excited to have this little boy in my arms! He is going to be so loved and he will know all about his older brother Noah that he never got to meet. Big brothers are supposed to protect their siblings and I know you will do a good job of that!
Daddy misses you so much, too. His Brewers have their first playoff game tomorrow. We didn't get to go to any Brewer games this year because it was too hard. We talked all winter about going to a Brewer game as a family of four and we never got a chance to do that. But, I really think that you had a hand in sending the Brewers to the playoffs. It sure made your daddy happy!
I am so thankful for the 4 months and 22 days we had with you. I wouldn't trade those days for anything. The old saying says "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" So true it is!
We love you so much Noah and we miss you more than words can describe. As I told you every day "we love you to the moon and back!:
Love always & forever,
Mommy
Sunday, September 25, 2011
This was a song that we sang in church today. It made me think about Noah. We also had a baptism for a little boy at church today. It took me back to April 10, 2011, the day when we stood at the front of the church with Noah and had him baptized. That was such a happy day, surrounded by friends, family, and our entire church congregation. I walked down to Noah's grave after church to let him know how much I miss him. We had heavy hearts all day today, all weekend, really. The littlest things can bring back memories of Noah.
We were sitting at home tonight and our Pastor called us out of the blue. She had a feeling that today was a difficult day for us and called to check in on us. I have always thought highly of her, but it wasn't until May 9, 2011 that I realized that she is just an ordinary person with feelings just like any average human. It wasn't until I saw her come rushing into the hospital room the day we lost Noah with tears in her eyes and the conversations since that day that we have had with her that I came to realize that she is a woman in a profession, but she is also a wife, a daughter, and a mother. She is compassionate, kind, and so wise. Her wisdom comforts me and intrigues me. Kevin and I have always felt a special bond towards her since our pre-marriage classes, but after having her with us through these past few months, she will forever be an extra special person in our lives. The wise words and comfort that she has brought our family with the loss of Noah is unexplainable. She married us, baptized both of our kids, and has been simply amazing since the day we lost Noah. We are so grateful to have a wonderful pastor in our lives to solidify our faith when we are doubting it the most.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
“Little we knew that morning, God was going to call your name, in life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same. It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone, for part of us went with you, the day God called you home. You left us beautiful memories, your love is still our guide, and though we cannot see you, you are always by our side. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same, but as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.” Author Unknown
I can't believe that 2 days from now is 9 months since we welcomed our beautiful baby boy into the world. I can't help but think of what we are missing out on-all of the milestones that some parents take for granted. He will forever be our 4 month, 17 pound, bald-headed, toothless baby boy. I will forever wish that we could see him sit up, crawl, take his first steps, graduate high school, get married and have kids of his own. I miss what we had, but I also mourn for what we could have had. I went to a wedding not too long ago and I cried while watching the slideshow of the groom. It made me look at the groom and wish that one day I would have had the chance to go out on the dance floor and dance with my son Noah for the mother-son dance. I am able to have peace of mind knowing that he will forever be innocent and never know suffering or pain.
I had a panic attack on the operating table when I was in surgery and I begged and prayed for a healthy baby. When I heard his cries, all of my worries went away. The second they put him in my arms, I knew that he was mine to love forever. I often said that he was "too good to be true". I guess I was right. I had my angel here on earth, but I was only given 4 months. Now I have an angel above to watch over us. I know he was sent here for a reason and I will live the rest of my life trying to find that reason and I will make him proud. I am a better person and my faith is stronger than ever after dealing with his loss.
I always joked that I wanted to put my kids in a bubble to protect them from the dangers of the world. I found out in an instant that no matter how much you shelter them and love them, you aren't guaranteed. When I kissed Noah good-bye on May 9th, I never would have believed that I would never again see him alive again, see that big beautiful smile. But, I can also say that if I was given the chance to trade all of this pain for the 4 months of joy that I had with him, I would say no way. I know I will feel this pain for a lifetime, but there is also a piece of my heart that will forever have joy and happiness that I wouldn't have felt had I never had the chance to meet Noah Paul.
Through all of this, I have learned to slow down, enjoy each day, and not to worry about the unknown. Everything works out and I am capable of crossing hurdles when they get in my way. I have survived the unimaginable. I can survive anything.
I listen to people complain about their parenting duties, sleepless nights, etc and I want to scream. Do they understand what a gift they have? Do they know how badly I want a sleepless night? I know it is stressful and parenting is tough. We all have stressful days, but some people complain every single day. As I have said before....Life is what you make it. If you don't like it, change it.
I went back through my Facebook tonight and I read my posts from December until the day before we lost Noah-Mother's Day and I can say that I didn't take what I had for granted. I counted my blessings over and over and still to this day after losing a huge piece of myself, I am still thankful for all that we have been given and I am extremely thankful for the support that we have in our lives. Without our friends and family, I don't know how we would have survived.
Here are a few of my Facebook posts that illustrate just how blessed I felt:
I can't believe that 2 days from now is 9 months since we welcomed our beautiful baby boy into the world. I can't help but think of what we are missing out on-all of the milestones that some parents take for granted. He will forever be our 4 month, 17 pound, bald-headed, toothless baby boy. I will forever wish that we could see him sit up, crawl, take his first steps, graduate high school, get married and have kids of his own. I miss what we had, but I also mourn for what we could have had. I went to a wedding not too long ago and I cried while watching the slideshow of the groom. It made me look at the groom and wish that one day I would have had the chance to go out on the dance floor and dance with my son Noah for the mother-son dance. I am able to have peace of mind knowing that he will forever be innocent and never know suffering or pain.
I had a panic attack on the operating table when I was in surgery and I begged and prayed for a healthy baby. When I heard his cries, all of my worries went away. The second they put him in my arms, I knew that he was mine to love forever. I often said that he was "too good to be true". I guess I was right. I had my angel here on earth, but I was only given 4 months. Now I have an angel above to watch over us. I know he was sent here for a reason and I will live the rest of my life trying to find that reason and I will make him proud. I am a better person and my faith is stronger than ever after dealing with his loss.
I always joked that I wanted to put my kids in a bubble to protect them from the dangers of the world. I found out in an instant that no matter how much you shelter them and love them, you aren't guaranteed. When I kissed Noah good-bye on May 9th, I never would have believed that I would never again see him alive again, see that big beautiful smile. But, I can also say that if I was given the chance to trade all of this pain for the 4 months of joy that I had with him, I would say no way. I know I will feel this pain for a lifetime, but there is also a piece of my heart that will forever have joy and happiness that I wouldn't have felt had I never had the chance to meet Noah Paul.
Through all of this, I have learned to slow down, enjoy each day, and not to worry about the unknown. Everything works out and I am capable of crossing hurdles when they get in my way. I have survived the unimaginable. I can survive anything.
I listen to people complain about their parenting duties, sleepless nights, etc and I want to scream. Do they understand what a gift they have? Do they know how badly I want a sleepless night? I know it is stressful and parenting is tough. We all have stressful days, but some people complain every single day. As I have said before....Life is what you make it. If you don't like it, change it.
I went back through my Facebook tonight and I read my posts from December until the day before we lost Noah-Mother's Day and I can say that I didn't take what I had for granted. I counted my blessings over and over and still to this day after losing a huge piece of myself, I am still thankful for all that we have been given and I am extremely thankful for the support that we have in our lives. Without our friends and family, I don't know how we would have survived.
Here are a few of my Facebook posts that illustrate just how blessed I felt:
is smitten by an 8 pound little man!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
People have told me that I inspire them and that they are amazed by my strength. Truth is, I surprise myself. I have never lost anyone close to me before and I had always been trying to mentally prepare myself for the day that I would lose my parents, but I never in a million years would have thought I would have to lose my child. Especially at only 4 months old. I tried to do all of the right things in life and thought God would reward me for that. I have learned since May 9th that God does not punish or reward us. I also learned that you have an inner strength that you never knew you had. I remember that awful day and the days that followed I just kept asking what I was going to do. I didn't know how life could go on after such a devastating loss, but then I looked around at my family and friends, and even strangers and reminded myself that I have so much to live for. Noah will forever be a part of us and my heart still aches. I miss him more than words can describe and I would give anything and everything to have him back. Unfortunately, that's not an option, so I move on. I want him to look down and me and be proud of the mom that I am for Maddy and for his future brother/sister.
I get angry. I have days that I am pissed off at the world and I look at families and wonder why. I wonder what they did right to deserve all of their kids and what we did to deserve the hand we were dealt. But, most days, I am thankful for what I have and the four solid months that we did have with Noah. We loved that little boy with our whole hearts. He got hugs and kisses and snuggles and he got to hear how much we loved him and I know he knew how much he was loved. He was so content and so trusting. He didn't live a second of his life being less than loved and for that I can live my life and be thankful and continue to pass that on to Maddy.
What angers me the most is the stories that I have read in the last four months....they hit home harder now. Every time I hear of a baby being abused, neglected, killed, I think of what we lost and how unfair that is. In the last month, I have heard of three babies not too far from home being beaten to death, one baby left dead in a garbage bag in a grocery store bathroom, a baby found floating dead down the Mississippi, and countless others that I have missed or not heard about. I don't know what kind of person can possibly treat a child like that much less any human being. I have several close friends that can't have kids of their own and would love to have a baby to love. We live for our kids and we lost Noah.I have also come to know several great people that have lost their children way too soon.I can't make sense of such a situation. To adopt a pet from the humane society, you have to go through screening and a waiting period, but anyone has the right to have a baby and then you hear stories of abuse, neglect, murder and it makes you sick. There are wonderful, stable families that lose children even though they did everything right. I know I can't change my situation, but I want people to realize how fragile and precious life is. I wish people would love their kids and smother them with kisses. I think the world would be a much better place if there was more love in it!
I get angry. I have days that I am pissed off at the world and I look at families and wonder why. I wonder what they did right to deserve all of their kids and what we did to deserve the hand we were dealt. But, most days, I am thankful for what I have and the four solid months that we did have with Noah. We loved that little boy with our whole hearts. He got hugs and kisses and snuggles and he got to hear how much we loved him and I know he knew how much he was loved. He was so content and so trusting. He didn't live a second of his life being less than loved and for that I can live my life and be thankful and continue to pass that on to Maddy.
What angers me the most is the stories that I have read in the last four months....they hit home harder now. Every time I hear of a baby being abused, neglected, killed, I think of what we lost and how unfair that is. In the last month, I have heard of three babies not too far from home being beaten to death, one baby left dead in a garbage bag in a grocery store bathroom, a baby found floating dead down the Mississippi, and countless others that I have missed or not heard about. I don't know what kind of person can possibly treat a child like that much less any human being. I have several close friends that can't have kids of their own and would love to have a baby to love. We live for our kids and we lost Noah.I have also come to know several great people that have lost their children way too soon.I can't make sense of such a situation. To adopt a pet from the humane society, you have to go through screening and a waiting period, but anyone has the right to have a baby and then you hear stories of abuse, neglect, murder and it makes you sick. There are wonderful, stable families that lose children even though they did everything right. I know I can't change my situation, but I want people to realize how fragile and precious life is. I wish people would love their kids and smother them with kisses. I think the world would be a much better place if there was more love in it!
Friday, September 2, 2011
Four Months And Counting
It's closing in on four months since we lost Noah. Four months! Some days it feels like forever and other days, it feels like yesterday. It's hard to believe that we have been grieving his loss for almost as long as we had him with us here on Earth. It's unfair and cruel. I have learned a lot in these past four months. I have met some great people that have crossed my path because of our horrible loss and I have realized that we have the best friends and family in the world, and most of all, I learned that our faith is rock solid and it has given us strength when nothing else could. Sadly, I have also learned that some people are ignorant and I will have to weed those people out of my life one at a time. I refuse to be brought down when I am dealing with something that most people could never imagine...and I hope for their sakes that they are never given the chance to walk this journey.
I am moving on. I have come a long ways since we lost Noah. I consider every morning that I climb out of bed a huge step towards healing. There are plenty of days that I would prefer to pull the covers up over my head and hide from the reality of life, but I have a daughter to take care of and I realize that life does go on.
I like to hear Noah's name and I like to talk about him. When I hear Noah's name, it is music to my ears. I like to talk about him and I fear that people will forget about him. My precious baby boy was only given 4 short months, but he touched a lot of lives in his short time and I pray that he was able to make a lasting impression on all of those people because I sure am smitten by him and I would give anything to have just one more day with him.
I fear that we will be forgotten about. We have such an awesome support system and many of those people have been there from day 1. I worry that people figure that we are healed after four months. We are not and I'm pretty certain we never will be "healed". We deal with the situation we were given because we have no choice. We don't want to sit around and sulk all of the time, but please understand that we still have bad days and will for years to come. Some days we just need a shoulder to cry on.
We went to Arizona last week and I was homesick. I cried myself to sleep several nights. It was so wrong that we were in AZ on a family vacation and part of our family wasn't there. When I am home, I feel close to Noah. I feel good knowing that I can go up to the church anytime and visit his grave. We went up there yesterday to visit his grave. I miss him so much. I am still in complete disbelief at times that we were robbed of him.
Every time I hear of a young person dying, it breaks my heart. I remember those first few days and feeling so lost. I ache for those that are just beginning their horrible path into the unknown. I am relieved to say that after four months I am at least getting used to living with the loss and heartache.
I have learned that life is fragile--enjoy every moment because tomorrow is not a guarantee. I have also learned that you have to be kind. You never know what battle anyone is dealing with. Your kindess might be the one positive in someone's life.
I am moving on. I have come a long ways since we lost Noah. I consider every morning that I climb out of bed a huge step towards healing. There are plenty of days that I would prefer to pull the covers up over my head and hide from the reality of life, but I have a daughter to take care of and I realize that life does go on.
I like to hear Noah's name and I like to talk about him. When I hear Noah's name, it is music to my ears. I like to talk about him and I fear that people will forget about him. My precious baby boy was only given 4 short months, but he touched a lot of lives in his short time and I pray that he was able to make a lasting impression on all of those people because I sure am smitten by him and I would give anything to have just one more day with him.
I fear that we will be forgotten about. We have such an awesome support system and many of those people have been there from day 1. I worry that people figure that we are healed after four months. We are not and I'm pretty certain we never will be "healed". We deal with the situation we were given because we have no choice. We don't want to sit around and sulk all of the time, but please understand that we still have bad days and will for years to come. Some days we just need a shoulder to cry on.
We went to Arizona last week and I was homesick. I cried myself to sleep several nights. It was so wrong that we were in AZ on a family vacation and part of our family wasn't there. When I am home, I feel close to Noah. I feel good knowing that I can go up to the church anytime and visit his grave. We went up there yesterday to visit his grave. I miss him so much. I am still in complete disbelief at times that we were robbed of him.
Every time I hear of a young person dying, it breaks my heart. I remember those first few days and feeling so lost. I ache for those that are just beginning their horrible path into the unknown. I am relieved to say that after four months I am at least getting used to living with the loss and heartache.
I have learned that life is fragile--enjoy every moment because tomorrow is not a guarantee. I have also learned that you have to be kind. You never know what battle anyone is dealing with. Your kindess might be the one positive in someone's life.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Good News And Bad
Tomorrow marks 14 weeks since we lost Noah. The last week has been emotionally challenging. Just when I think I am getting a grip on the whole situation, I take five steps back and feel like I am right where I was on the first day. I long to hold Noah and I ache to hear his cries, see his smile, feel his touch. As most of you know, I am also 14 weeks pregnant, so I am on a bumpy rollercoaster ride. I am so thankful for this blessing that we have been given. Kevin & I believe that this pregnancy was a gift sent straight from Noah. Everyone says that when I meet this new baby that I will wonder how different my life would have been without him/her. I understand to a point, but I wish my life could be different. I wish we could be getting ready for Baby #3 with our other two children physically here and healthy. We were content with two kids and decided we wanted to give everything we have to Maddy and Noah, but if we were meant to meet this 3rd, we would have accepted it with open arms. I am excited to have our new baby in Feb 2012 and I don't want him/her to replace Noah and I know that having another baby will not make my loss any easier to handle.
I am so thankful for Kevin. He is an amazing husband and he has helped me walk through this with my head held high and relying on faith to get us through. I still have days, a lot of them lately, that I look at families and wonder why they deserve their kids, but then I remind myself that everyone is fighting some sort of battle. When I get down in the dumps, I remind myself that we are still so very blessed. I hate when I run into people that haven't seen me in a while and they ask how my "kids" are doing or when strangers ask how many kids I have. Most of the time, I just say 2 and hope they drop it. Most of the time that leads to "how old?". I usually can't bring myself to spill to a stranger, so I lie. I tell them I have a 2 year old and a 7 month old. I refuse to say I have only 1 child because I have 2 kids and Noah will always be counted, but I don't want people to feel uncomfortable and I don't want people's pity. I am not a pity case. I am a very blessed woman with an amazing husband, beautiful daughter, loving family, and fabulous friends. My husband and I have good jobs, a roof over our heads, and food on the table. To top it off, we have Maddy to keep us going, our Angel, Noah who is forever watching over us, and a baby on the way. I hate the loss that we are dealing with, but I am not going to drown in my sorrow. I want to live my life and not just survive.
I remind my friends and family to keep us in their prayers because we need prayers. We need strength for healing. My biggest fear through all of this is that as time passes, everyone is moving on with their busy lives, and I don't want our family to be forgotten. We have to live with the pain in our hearts, that empty, sad feeling that you can't just push away. Every morning I wake up and Noah is my first thought. He is in my every thought throughout the day, and he is in my last thoughts before I fall asleep. Sometimes, I am even lucky enough to have him visit me in my dreams.
I remind everyone that is reading this tonight to hold their babies tight and count their blessings because there are so many people that would give anything to have healthy kids, but because of medical reasons, can't and there are millions of parents that would do anything to have their babies with them here on Earth and not watching over them from above.
I am so thankful for Kevin. He is an amazing husband and he has helped me walk through this with my head held high and relying on faith to get us through. I still have days, a lot of them lately, that I look at families and wonder why they deserve their kids, but then I remind myself that everyone is fighting some sort of battle. When I get down in the dumps, I remind myself that we are still so very blessed. I hate when I run into people that haven't seen me in a while and they ask how my "kids" are doing or when strangers ask how many kids I have. Most of the time, I just say 2 and hope they drop it. Most of the time that leads to "how old?". I usually can't bring myself to spill to a stranger, so I lie. I tell them I have a 2 year old and a 7 month old. I refuse to say I have only 1 child because I have 2 kids and Noah will always be counted, but I don't want people to feel uncomfortable and I don't want people's pity. I am not a pity case. I am a very blessed woman with an amazing husband, beautiful daughter, loving family, and fabulous friends. My husband and I have good jobs, a roof over our heads, and food on the table. To top it off, we have Maddy to keep us going, our Angel, Noah who is forever watching over us, and a baby on the way. I hate the loss that we are dealing with, but I am not going to drown in my sorrow. I want to live my life and not just survive.
I remind my friends and family to keep us in their prayers because we need prayers. We need strength for healing. My biggest fear through all of this is that as time passes, everyone is moving on with their busy lives, and I don't want our family to be forgotten. We have to live with the pain in our hearts, that empty, sad feeling that you can't just push away. Every morning I wake up and Noah is my first thought. He is in my every thought throughout the day, and he is in my last thoughts before I fall asleep. Sometimes, I am even lucky enough to have him visit me in my dreams.
I remind everyone that is reading this tonight to hold their babies tight and count their blessings because there are so many people that would give anything to have healthy kids, but because of medical reasons, can't and there are millions of parents that would do anything to have their babies with them here on Earth and not watching over them from above.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Gone But Not Forgotten
It's closing in on three months since we lost Noah. It's hard to believe. Some days it feels like he's been gone forever and some days it feels like just yesterday. He still consumes my every thought. Everything we do I think "Noah should be doing this, too". Maddy mentions Noah almost every day, sometimes several times a day. It breaks my heart when she does, but I am also glad that she remembers him. I never want her to forget her baby brother. Yesterday we were at Culvers and a lady carrying her baby boy walked past us. Maddy said "awww, cute baby. It's Noah." Then she stopped, thought for a second, shook her head and said "oh. no." I think for a split second she forgot that Noah was gone. I can handle my own pain, even though I don't understand and I am angry and hurt, I can handle it. But, her pain breaks my heart.
A friend of mine shared this with me: If you lose a spouse, you're called a widow, or a widower. If you're a child and you lose your parents, then you're an orphan. But what's the word to describe a parent who loses a child? I guess the pain of losing a child is too awful to have a name.
I never thought of it, but three months ago, I never thought I would be enrolled into this "club". I have learned more in these three months that I cared to learn a lifetime. I often wonder "why me", but I am determined to make something positive of this experience. I want to be strong for Maddy. We want Maddy to have her safe haven here at home. We have a stronger marriage than we did three months ago.
I'm anxious for the day when I can think of Noah and talk about memories of him and not feel sad. When I think of his giggles, his smile, his beautiful blue eyes, I feel so empty and want so badly to relive those experiences.
Sunday night Maddy was talking about Noah and she said that Noah's with Jesus. And she followed that with "Jesus rocks Noah". I don't know where she got that because Kevin and I have never told her that, but I want to believe that he has reassured her of that because if I can't have him with me, at least I know that he is being loved in the best place imaginable! Yesterday morning my alarm clock was going off. I use my cell phone for my alarm. When I looked at the screen, it was a picture of Noah staring at me. I don't have that picture on my phone anywhere, so I'm not sure how it got on there and even later on in the day when I tried to retrieve that photo, I couldn't. I believe Noah made that possible. It was a beautiful start to my day to wake up looking into my son's eyes!
Since Noah's passing, I have met several parents that have also lost children. I attend a grief support group and when I walk out of each session, I feel so normal and so relaxed. I talk to so many people that want to help, but I am so glad that I have found people that can tell me that they went through a similar loss and it will get easier. That makes my really bad days a little easier because it gives me reassurance that what I am feeling is normal.
My babysitter that was watching Noah that terrible day has always had a special place in my heart. I grew up around her family, babysat her kids when I was growing up, and now she takes care of my kids. It is crazy to me how life circles, but so neat. I worry about her because she carries the burden of that day, but Kevin & I have told her over and over and over we do not blame her. We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that our kids are safe and loved at her home. I know it is selfish, but we are thankful that it didn't happen at our house. We wouldn't want that on top of the grief we are dealing with. I pray for her continuously throughout the day. I pray that she finds peace with the situation and I pray that she can find comfort in the fact that we do not blame her. I wish there were answers to our questions, but there aren't, so we have to have faith that God doesn't make mistakes and that he has reasons for this. I battle with that because I thought we had a pretty good plan for him here on Earth and we still had a lot in store for him. But, we had that taken from us, so we grabbed on to our faith and pray that we get through this.
I have realized how much time a person spends complaining and worrying about the small things. Everyone has heard "don't sweat the small stuff", but it's so true. Life is so short and so fragile. You can live your life grumbling about the small stuff or you can brush it off and find the silver lining. I think Kevin and I are pretty positive people, but this loss has made us even more positive. We could sit and hate the world and play poor pity me, but that wouldn't change what we went through. So, we will continue to be positive and find the good in people and the good in the world. I have said from day one, we have lost so much, but we are still so blessed. And we are.
A friend of mine shared this with me: If you lose a spouse, you're called a widow, or a widower. If you're a child and you lose your parents, then you're an orphan. But what's the word to describe a parent who loses a child? I guess the pain of losing a child is too awful to have a name.
I never thought of it, but three months ago, I never thought I would be enrolled into this "club". I have learned more in these three months that I cared to learn a lifetime. I often wonder "why me", but I am determined to make something positive of this experience. I want to be strong for Maddy. We want Maddy to have her safe haven here at home. We have a stronger marriage than we did three months ago.
I'm anxious for the day when I can think of Noah and talk about memories of him and not feel sad. When I think of his giggles, his smile, his beautiful blue eyes, I feel so empty and want so badly to relive those experiences.
Sunday night Maddy was talking about Noah and she said that Noah's with Jesus. And she followed that with "Jesus rocks Noah". I don't know where she got that because Kevin and I have never told her that, but I want to believe that he has reassured her of that because if I can't have him with me, at least I know that he is being loved in the best place imaginable! Yesterday morning my alarm clock was going off. I use my cell phone for my alarm. When I looked at the screen, it was a picture of Noah staring at me. I don't have that picture on my phone anywhere, so I'm not sure how it got on there and even later on in the day when I tried to retrieve that photo, I couldn't. I believe Noah made that possible. It was a beautiful start to my day to wake up looking into my son's eyes!
Since Noah's passing, I have met several parents that have also lost children. I attend a grief support group and when I walk out of each session, I feel so normal and so relaxed. I talk to so many people that want to help, but I am so glad that I have found people that can tell me that they went through a similar loss and it will get easier. That makes my really bad days a little easier because it gives me reassurance that what I am feeling is normal.
My babysitter that was watching Noah that terrible day has always had a special place in my heart. I grew up around her family, babysat her kids when I was growing up, and now she takes care of my kids. It is crazy to me how life circles, but so neat. I worry about her because she carries the burden of that day, but Kevin & I have told her over and over and over we do not blame her. We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that our kids are safe and loved at her home. I know it is selfish, but we are thankful that it didn't happen at our house. We wouldn't want that on top of the grief we are dealing with. I pray for her continuously throughout the day. I pray that she finds peace with the situation and I pray that she can find comfort in the fact that we do not blame her. I wish there were answers to our questions, but there aren't, so we have to have faith that God doesn't make mistakes and that he has reasons for this. I battle with that because I thought we had a pretty good plan for him here on Earth and we still had a lot in store for him. But, we had that taken from us, so we grabbed on to our faith and pray that we get through this.
I have realized how much time a person spends complaining and worrying about the small things. Everyone has heard "don't sweat the small stuff", but it's so true. Life is so short and so fragile. You can live your life grumbling about the small stuff or you can brush it off and find the silver lining. I think Kevin and I are pretty positive people, but this loss has made us even more positive. We could sit and hate the world and play poor pity me, but that wouldn't change what we went through. So, we will continue to be positive and find the good in people and the good in the world. I have said from day one, we have lost so much, but we are still so blessed. And we are.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
A Note To Noah
My Sweet Noah,
Today you would have been 7 months old. It has also been 10 weeks since the last time that I held you in my arms. Every Sunday night I think about the last Sunday we spent together and every Monday I think of the day you left us. Every second in between, I think of how much I miss you and how unfair it is that you had to leave us and how perfect you were.
I loved everything about you-your smiles, your belly laughs, your chunky frame, and your kisses! I would do anything to have just one more day with you, to hold you in my arms, and tell you how much I love you. I am at peace knowing that we showered you with kisses and made sure you were safe.
I know you are with us and I pray that you watch over us and send us signs. Please keep watch over your sister Madelyn. She misses you and seems so sad. Just tonight I was watching her on the swings and she just looked so lost. I know you were only a baby, but you made our family complete. Our house is quiet and empty without you here. I go into your room every now and then just to look around and feel your presence. Deep down, I hope that I am going to wake up from this nightmare and you will be laying in your crib happy as can be.
I am angered that we are left to live with your loss and try to make the most of the fact that we did have 4 wonderful months. But, it is difficult to go on as a family of 4 with only 3 of us left to walk this earth together. We had so many plans for this summer for the 4 of us, but after we lost you, we have no desire. We try to do fun things for Maddy, but we are so sad that you are missing out on those fun things. Four months is not long enough, but what is "long enough"? I feel that I was robbed. I had faith that we were worthy of having a healthy family of four and it wasn't just "luck", but then we lost you and I wonder why we were chosen to deal with this experience.
There are millions of kids that are abused and neglected. You were loved so much and I counted my blessings daily for giving me 2 healthy kids. I always said I didn't need a lot of money or material things. All I asked was for a healthy family and the ability to provide my family with the necessities in life. I don't like to look at other families and wonder what they did right. But, I do and I think I forever will.
I pray that you are in Heaven and you are being held tight and I am positive that you are being so loved. I know people say that Heaven needed an angel, but we needed you here! I am forever changed and I can only hope that I can come out of this a strong person and a better mommy that I was before. Please watch over us Noah baby. Send us a sign-we need it! We love you to the moon and back...
Love always & forever, Mommy
Today you would have been 7 months old. It has also been 10 weeks since the last time that I held you in my arms. Every Sunday night I think about the last Sunday we spent together and every Monday I think of the day you left us. Every second in between, I think of how much I miss you and how unfair it is that you had to leave us and how perfect you were.
I loved everything about you-your smiles, your belly laughs, your chunky frame, and your kisses! I would do anything to have just one more day with you, to hold you in my arms, and tell you how much I love you. I am at peace knowing that we showered you with kisses and made sure you were safe.
I know you are with us and I pray that you watch over us and send us signs. Please keep watch over your sister Madelyn. She misses you and seems so sad. Just tonight I was watching her on the swings and she just looked so lost. I know you were only a baby, but you made our family complete. Our house is quiet and empty without you here. I go into your room every now and then just to look around and feel your presence. Deep down, I hope that I am going to wake up from this nightmare and you will be laying in your crib happy as can be.
I am angered that we are left to live with your loss and try to make the most of the fact that we did have 4 wonderful months. But, it is difficult to go on as a family of 4 with only 3 of us left to walk this earth together. We had so many plans for this summer for the 4 of us, but after we lost you, we have no desire. We try to do fun things for Maddy, but we are so sad that you are missing out on those fun things. Four months is not long enough, but what is "long enough"? I feel that I was robbed. I had faith that we were worthy of having a healthy family of four and it wasn't just "luck", but then we lost you and I wonder why we were chosen to deal with this experience.
There are millions of kids that are abused and neglected. You were loved so much and I counted my blessings daily for giving me 2 healthy kids. I always said I didn't need a lot of money or material things. All I asked was for a healthy family and the ability to provide my family with the necessities in life. I don't like to look at other families and wonder what they did right. But, I do and I think I forever will.
I pray that you are in Heaven and you are being held tight and I am positive that you are being so loved. I know people say that Heaven needed an angel, but we needed you here! I am forever changed and I can only hope that I can come out of this a strong person and a better mommy that I was before. Please watch over us Noah baby. Send us a sign-we need it! We love you to the moon and back...
Love always & forever, Mommy
Saturday, July 16, 2011
As The World Turns
We had quite a week this week. We finally had Noah's headstone placed on Monday and it is beautiful! I never would have thought I would be in awe over a headstone, but I am. We now have a marker of where our baby boy is buried and it makes my heart ache. We go up to see Noah several times a week and it can be emotional some days and other days it can be comforting. Seeing his grave for the first time with the black granite headstone, engraved with our son's name, took my breath away. I cried harder than I have in a while and it all became so much more real. I haven't been able to bring myself to go back up to the cemetery since that day.
I had the pleasure of talking to a mother that lost her son 2 years ago in a car accident. I have never previously talked to her, but the words of wisdom that she offered comforted me and gave me strong hope that I will get used to this new normal that I have been forced to accept. She explained a lot of the emotions that she has dealt with and it is everything that I am going through. I function as best I can. For the last 10 weeks, I have been waking up and living. Some mornings it takes everything in me to put my feet on the floor and face the world. Some days I feel a peace surrounding me and I feel confident that I will survive this and come out the strongest woman ever. So many people tell me that I "inspire" them. That is a compliment, but I am nothing special. I am living and dealing with the situation because I refuse to let it ruin me and my family. Right now, my main concern is my husband and my daughter.
We lost our son and we wish we could change that, but we can't. So, we deal with the situation because unfortunately, life goes on. The world won't stop spinning just because we are grieving. We aren't the first people in this world to have lost a child, but we are determined to stand strong and make sure that Noah's memory lives on forever. Sure, he was only here for 4 months and I realize I have another child left, but that doesn't make it easier to deal with.
10 weeks have past and every day is a battle for me. Some days I want to be around people and it comforts me to have such strong support near me and other days, I want to close the blinds and sit in our house with Kevin and Maddy. Kevin is the only one who truly understands the loss that I am feeling and I don't have to explain how I feel to him. He just senses when I am having a bad day. He knows when I need a hug and he knows when I need 5 minutes to myself to think and to cry. We have found great friends that we never realized we had and I have been warned that I will probably lose some friends that can't handle the grieving process. I will never be back to myself. A part of me is gone. I am changed and forever will be. I just have to learn how to live day by day with a scar on my heart.
Today was my nephew's birthday party. He is 2 and the ironic thing is that 2 years ago, he spent 3 weeks in the NICU in Madison and was a miracle baby. Doctors didn't think he would survive, but he did and he is a perfectly normal 2 year old today. I had a hard time today. I dread the celebrations to come...all of which Noah should have been a part of. It is cruel that I have to, along with millions of other parents in the world, were chosen to take on this role and I pray that with birthdays, holidays, milestones, that I will find a way to deal that helps ease the pain of functioning without Noah. My best friend has a son that is 2 months older than Noah. It is hard to watch him and think in 2 months, Noah should be doing that. I went to her house the day of Noah's funeral and her son started crawling. I was thinking this week that it's been 2 months since he started crawling, so if Noah was alive, he would be crawling by now, too. I love her and I love her family. But, he was supposed to be Noah's buddy.
I try not to ask myself "why me?" because I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but then my next thought is "why me?". I hope that one day I can be support for another parent that needs words of comfort. I want to be healed to the point that I can say "it will get easier", but so far, I don't believe that. My every thought is consumed by our loss. I go to work every day. It helps me to get out and keep busy. I have great co-workers that make it easy to face the workday. Both Kevin & I are so lucky to have co-workers that understand and friends and family that are always there for us. But, some days, we just don't have it in us to face the world and try to put on a happy face. Some days we prefer to take refuge in our own home, just the 3 of us, because that is what is comforting to us right now.
I had the pleasure of talking to a mother that lost her son 2 years ago in a car accident. I have never previously talked to her, but the words of wisdom that she offered comforted me and gave me strong hope that I will get used to this new normal that I have been forced to accept. She explained a lot of the emotions that she has dealt with and it is everything that I am going through. I function as best I can. For the last 10 weeks, I have been waking up and living. Some mornings it takes everything in me to put my feet on the floor and face the world. Some days I feel a peace surrounding me and I feel confident that I will survive this and come out the strongest woman ever. So many people tell me that I "inspire" them. That is a compliment, but I am nothing special. I am living and dealing with the situation because I refuse to let it ruin me and my family. Right now, my main concern is my husband and my daughter.
We lost our son and we wish we could change that, but we can't. So, we deal with the situation because unfortunately, life goes on. The world won't stop spinning just because we are grieving. We aren't the first people in this world to have lost a child, but we are determined to stand strong and make sure that Noah's memory lives on forever. Sure, he was only here for 4 months and I realize I have another child left, but that doesn't make it easier to deal with.
10 weeks have past and every day is a battle for me. Some days I want to be around people and it comforts me to have such strong support near me and other days, I want to close the blinds and sit in our house with Kevin and Maddy. Kevin is the only one who truly understands the loss that I am feeling and I don't have to explain how I feel to him. He just senses when I am having a bad day. He knows when I need a hug and he knows when I need 5 minutes to myself to think and to cry. We have found great friends that we never realized we had and I have been warned that I will probably lose some friends that can't handle the grieving process. I will never be back to myself. A part of me is gone. I am changed and forever will be. I just have to learn how to live day by day with a scar on my heart.
Today was my nephew's birthday party. He is 2 and the ironic thing is that 2 years ago, he spent 3 weeks in the NICU in Madison and was a miracle baby. Doctors didn't think he would survive, but he did and he is a perfectly normal 2 year old today. I had a hard time today. I dread the celebrations to come...all of which Noah should have been a part of. It is cruel that I have to, along with millions of other parents in the world, were chosen to take on this role and I pray that with birthdays, holidays, milestones, that I will find a way to deal that helps ease the pain of functioning without Noah. My best friend has a son that is 2 months older than Noah. It is hard to watch him and think in 2 months, Noah should be doing that. I went to her house the day of Noah's funeral and her son started crawling. I was thinking this week that it's been 2 months since he started crawling, so if Noah was alive, he would be crawling by now, too. I love her and I love her family. But, he was supposed to be Noah's buddy.
I try not to ask myself "why me?" because I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but then my next thought is "why me?". I hope that one day I can be support for another parent that needs words of comfort. I want to be healed to the point that I can say "it will get easier", but so far, I don't believe that. My every thought is consumed by our loss. I go to work every day. It helps me to get out and keep busy. I have great co-workers that make it easy to face the workday. Both Kevin & I are so lucky to have co-workers that understand and friends and family that are always there for us. But, some days, we just don't have it in us to face the world and try to put on a happy face. Some days we prefer to take refuge in our own home, just the 3 of us, because that is what is comforting to us right now.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
I Didn't Sign Up For This
In the past 2 months, I have learned so much and experienced more than I ever wanted to experience in a lifetime. I wish I could have one more day with Noah. I am thankful and will forever be thankful that we had a healthy baby and 4 great months with him. We didn't take a day for granted, but he also didn't suffer. On the other hand, that makes it so much harder to accept. He was healthy one minute and gone the next. It doesn't seem right.
I have found that Kevin and I have more friends and family that care about us than we ever knew and that makes the pain a little easier to handle. The support we have received is overwhelming. Our bosses were with us at the hospital on that horrible Monday and our closest friends and family showed up. It sounds foolish now, but at the time, I couldn't believe people were taking time out of their day to come to the hospital to sit with us.
We have learned more than ever during this tragedy the benefits of living in a small town. Businesses, friends, even strangers came together to host benefits for our family, dropped off food, sent cards. I was overwhelmed by the amount of people that offered to help us any way possible. I told my friend that I can't believe how much people care. Her response was "You reap what you Sow". I had never thought of it that way, but she said it perfectly. Kevin & I are good people. We are hardworkers and we are willing to help anyone out however we can. We are who we are, but we have never done anything expecting payback. But, I think we received our "payback" when we needed it most and for that we will be forever grateful.
I don't know how I got signed up for this journey, but I wish I could remove my name from the list, but I know that's not possible. In a grief support group I attend, a girl says that we are in a club that we didn't want to be a part of and that says it perfectly. I remember the night Noah died, I was in his room looking for the perfect outfit for him to be buried in. I wanted something cozy. I went through his dresser and just sobbed, I should not have to be making arrangements for my son.
We are trying to make the most of this summer and one thing that we are anxious to get is Noah's headstone that we recently purchased. I'm 29 years old. I should be excited about some luxurious purchase, but instead I'm anxiously awaiting the day that Noah Paul gets his headstone. These are things that I never thought of and I pray that everyone that is reading this and has kids holds them tight and cherishes every minute they have with them because there are so many people in the world that would do anything to be able to have kids, but because of medical reasons, can't and there are parents in the world that have lost children and would give anything to have them back.
I used to read obituaries and always felt sad when I would read "preceded in death by an infant son/daughter". MY obituary is going to say that and I don't want that. I have plans in my life and I never expected they could be shattered by losing my child.
I got to hold Noah for the last time while our Pastor said a prayer for our family at the wake and I wish I could turn back and hold him just one last time. I would do anything to feel his warm, chunky body in my arms and get one of his wet kisses on my cheek. I miss him more each day. At the funeral, I looked around the church and thought, we have had such happy times in that church--I stood up in my best friend's wedding 10 years ago in that church, in 2007, I married my wonderful husband, in 2009 we got Maddy baptized there, and just a month before the funeral, I was standing up at the front of the church getting Noah baptized. Now, I add the fact that one of the most relaxing places that I love to go now holds the memory of the worst event of my life. Noah is buried in the church cemetery, so now every day that we go to church, I feel Noah there with us.
I am lucky, I have an amazing husband and we are very much on the same page with this whole situation. We have bad days, we cry together, we lean on eachother, and we love Maddy even more than we ever thought possible. The day in the hospital when our babysitter walked in the room, I hugged her and told her not to blame herself. I then wondered if Kevin would blame her. But, we don't have an ounce of anger towards her. I know she would give anything to change this, but it's beyond our control. It was a horrible, tragic event, but beyond our control. I told her before I had Maddy that she's the only one that I could trust my kids with and still to this day, I wouldn't change a thing. I can go to work each day and be comforted that our kids are in the best of hands. People have asked how we can not hate her. I have so much hurt and anger, I don't need to add hate to the list. I think people blame because that helps ease the hurt in some strange way. Kevin & I want to be mad. We want someone to blame, but we can't find anyone. The only person that we both are angry at sometimes is God and I know that's ok. But, as I said before we go from being mad and doubting our faith to begging him for strength and answers. It's a crazy rollercoaster ride we are on!
I read "Heaven Is For Real" the other day. That book gave me so much comfort and it makes me so axious to be reuinted with Noah one day years down the road. Right now, he is in a fabulous place and one day we will all be together and we will have the answers that we need, but by then they won't matter because I will be whole once again.
I have found that Kevin and I have more friends and family that care about us than we ever knew and that makes the pain a little easier to handle. The support we have received is overwhelming. Our bosses were with us at the hospital on that horrible Monday and our closest friends and family showed up. It sounds foolish now, but at the time, I couldn't believe people were taking time out of their day to come to the hospital to sit with us.
We have learned more than ever during this tragedy the benefits of living in a small town. Businesses, friends, even strangers came together to host benefits for our family, dropped off food, sent cards. I was overwhelmed by the amount of people that offered to help us any way possible. I told my friend that I can't believe how much people care. Her response was "You reap what you Sow". I had never thought of it that way, but she said it perfectly. Kevin & I are good people. We are hardworkers and we are willing to help anyone out however we can. We are who we are, but we have never done anything expecting payback. But, I think we received our "payback" when we needed it most and for that we will be forever grateful.
I don't know how I got signed up for this journey, but I wish I could remove my name from the list, but I know that's not possible. In a grief support group I attend, a girl says that we are in a club that we didn't want to be a part of and that says it perfectly. I remember the night Noah died, I was in his room looking for the perfect outfit for him to be buried in. I wanted something cozy. I went through his dresser and just sobbed, I should not have to be making arrangements for my son.
We are trying to make the most of this summer and one thing that we are anxious to get is Noah's headstone that we recently purchased. I'm 29 years old. I should be excited about some luxurious purchase, but instead I'm anxiously awaiting the day that Noah Paul gets his headstone. These are things that I never thought of and I pray that everyone that is reading this and has kids holds them tight and cherishes every minute they have with them because there are so many people in the world that would do anything to be able to have kids, but because of medical reasons, can't and there are parents in the world that have lost children and would give anything to have them back.
I used to read obituaries and always felt sad when I would read "preceded in death by an infant son/daughter". MY obituary is going to say that and I don't want that. I have plans in my life and I never expected they could be shattered by losing my child.
I got to hold Noah for the last time while our Pastor said a prayer for our family at the wake and I wish I could turn back and hold him just one last time. I would do anything to feel his warm, chunky body in my arms and get one of his wet kisses on my cheek. I miss him more each day. At the funeral, I looked around the church and thought, we have had such happy times in that church--I stood up in my best friend's wedding 10 years ago in that church, in 2007, I married my wonderful husband, in 2009 we got Maddy baptized there, and just a month before the funeral, I was standing up at the front of the church getting Noah baptized. Now, I add the fact that one of the most relaxing places that I love to go now holds the memory of the worst event of my life. Noah is buried in the church cemetery, so now every day that we go to church, I feel Noah there with us.
I am lucky, I have an amazing husband and we are very much on the same page with this whole situation. We have bad days, we cry together, we lean on eachother, and we love Maddy even more than we ever thought possible. The day in the hospital when our babysitter walked in the room, I hugged her and told her not to blame herself. I then wondered if Kevin would blame her. But, we don't have an ounce of anger towards her. I know she would give anything to change this, but it's beyond our control. It was a horrible, tragic event, but beyond our control. I told her before I had Maddy that she's the only one that I could trust my kids with and still to this day, I wouldn't change a thing. I can go to work each day and be comforted that our kids are in the best of hands. People have asked how we can not hate her. I have so much hurt and anger, I don't need to add hate to the list. I think people blame because that helps ease the hurt in some strange way. Kevin & I want to be mad. We want someone to blame, but we can't find anyone. The only person that we both are angry at sometimes is God and I know that's ok. But, as I said before we go from being mad and doubting our faith to begging him for strength and answers. It's a crazy rollercoaster ride we are on!
I read "Heaven Is For Real" the other day. That book gave me so much comfort and it makes me so axious to be reuinted with Noah one day years down the road. Right now, he is in a fabulous place and one day we will all be together and we will have the answers that we need, but by then they won't matter because I will be whole once again.
Friday, July 8, 2011
The Worst Day Of My Life
I can't believe that it has been 2 months since the last time that I held my son. They say times heals all wounds, but every day that we live without Noah, the more we miss him, the angrier we get, and the more desperate we are for answers.
Monday, May 9th started out as just an ordinary Monday. I kissed my kids good-bye and left for work, never thinking that I would never see Noah alive again. If I had known that in a few hours, I would be getting the dreaded phone call, I would have done a million things differently that day. I was getting some work done when my phone rang and it was Kevin. I will never in my life forget that phone call or the tone of his voice. He was so calm. All he said was "Noah's dead". "Come to the hospital. Now." I sat in my chair for a second, just staring at my phone and digested the words. I got up from my desk and ran to my boss's office. I remember telling her that "Noah's dead". She said, "no!" She was so matter of fact that for a split second I thought it was a dirty joke and then I realized that Kevin would never do that to me. We called him back and he said he was following the ambulance and I needed to get there.
My bosses drove me to Mauston from Tomah. It was pouring rain and it felt like we were in that car for 3 hours. We finally got to the hospital and they escorted me to a little room. Kevin was just sitting there. The chaplain was on the phone and asking if anyone knew "Paula". I told him it was my mom and grabbed the phone. All she asked is if Noah was ok. I looked around and asked if Noah was ok. At this point, I still didn't know what was going on, but I expected that Kevin had overreacted and had faith that he was fine. They all just shook their heads at me.
I was in shock. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, but I was just numb. After a while, our Pastor showed up and we got to go into the ER to hold Noah. He looked so perfect on the hospital bed and so tiny. He was swaddled in a blanket and just looked like he was sleeping. It looked like I should be taking him home from the hospital as a newborn, not getting ready to leave without him. This isn't fair. This doesn't happen to good people. I rocked him for a bit and handed him back to the nurse. Giving him back was the hardest thing in the world. I wanted to run out the door with him. I wanted him to open his eyes and smile at me to let me know he was ok.
I remember sitting in that little family waiting room and wondering what we do next. I didn't want to leave because if we left, we were accepting the fact that Noah was gone. I didn't know how to walk out of that hospital and not take my baby boy with me. It was so scary and so surreal. We finally left after almost 5 hours of crying, talking, praying, thinking, re-thinking.
I never in my life expected that I would be planning my child's funeral. I carried my son for 9 months. I ate healthy foods, cut back on caffeine, didn't drink, didn't smoke. I had a healthy 7 lb 14 oz baby boy on December 17th, 2010. I breastfed because that is "best" for babies and it reduces SIDS, sickness, etc. My husband & I lived for our kids. When we weren't working to support our family, we were spending time as a family. I did everything right. I liked the age my kids were at because I thought I could protect them from dangers of the world. I found out on May 9, 2011 that we only have so much control. The rest lies in the hands of a Higher Power and we have to have faith that there is a plan that we may not understand now, but some day, we will know why. Our questions will be answered and we will once again be united with our blue-eyed baby boy for eternity. It is so easy to lose faith during this tragic time and I won't lie, some days my faith is tested to the core. Some days I curse God out, but 5 minutes later, I'm begging for strength to make it through. But, without faith, we would all go crazy and sit at home sulking and hating the world and everyone in it. And there is so much good in the world. I have found out during this tragedy that there is more good in this world than you could ever imagine. It's hard to believe how many lives our 4 month old Noah Paul touched in his short time on earth!
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Monday, May 9th started out as just an ordinary Monday. I kissed my kids good-bye and left for work, never thinking that I would never see Noah alive again. If I had known that in a few hours, I would be getting the dreaded phone call, I would have done a million things differently that day. I was getting some work done when my phone rang and it was Kevin. I will never in my life forget that phone call or the tone of his voice. He was so calm. All he said was "Noah's dead". "Come to the hospital. Now." I sat in my chair for a second, just staring at my phone and digested the words. I got up from my desk and ran to my boss's office. I remember telling her that "Noah's dead". She said, "no!" She was so matter of fact that for a split second I thought it was a dirty joke and then I realized that Kevin would never do that to me. We called him back and he said he was following the ambulance and I needed to get there.
My bosses drove me to Mauston from Tomah. It was pouring rain and it felt like we were in that car for 3 hours. We finally got to the hospital and they escorted me to a little room. Kevin was just sitting there. The chaplain was on the phone and asking if anyone knew "Paula". I told him it was my mom and grabbed the phone. All she asked is if Noah was ok. I looked around and asked if Noah was ok. At this point, I still didn't know what was going on, but I expected that Kevin had overreacted and had faith that he was fine. They all just shook their heads at me.
I was in shock. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, but I was just numb. After a while, our Pastor showed up and we got to go into the ER to hold Noah. He looked so perfect on the hospital bed and so tiny. He was swaddled in a blanket and just looked like he was sleeping. It looked like I should be taking him home from the hospital as a newborn, not getting ready to leave without him. This isn't fair. This doesn't happen to good people. I rocked him for a bit and handed him back to the nurse. Giving him back was the hardest thing in the world. I wanted to run out the door with him. I wanted him to open his eyes and smile at me to let me know he was ok.
I remember sitting in that little family waiting room and wondering what we do next. I didn't want to leave because if we left, we were accepting the fact that Noah was gone. I didn't know how to walk out of that hospital and not take my baby boy with me. It was so scary and so surreal. We finally left after almost 5 hours of crying, talking, praying, thinking, re-thinking.
I never in my life expected that I would be planning my child's funeral. I carried my son for 9 months. I ate healthy foods, cut back on caffeine, didn't drink, didn't smoke. I had a healthy 7 lb 14 oz baby boy on December 17th, 2010. I breastfed because that is "best" for babies and it reduces SIDS, sickness, etc. My husband & I lived for our kids. When we weren't working to support our family, we were spending time as a family. I did everything right. I liked the age my kids were at because I thought I could protect them from dangers of the world. I found out on May 9, 2011 that we only have so much control. The rest lies in the hands of a Higher Power and we have to have faith that there is a plan that we may not understand now, but some day, we will know why. Our questions will be answered and we will once again be united with our blue-eyed baby boy for eternity. It is so easy to lose faith during this tragic time and I won't lie, some days my faith is tested to the core. Some days I curse God out, but 5 minutes later, I'm begging for strength to make it through. But, without faith, we would all go crazy and sit at home sulking and hating the world and everyone in it. And there is so much good in the world. I have found out during this tragedy that there is more good in this world than you could ever imagine. It's hard to believe how many lives our 4 month old Noah Paul touched in his short time on earth!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Counting My Blessings
All I ever wanted in life was a loving husband and babies. I used to picture myself with ten kids and then I grew up and got real. I married the most wonderful guy I had ever met on October 6th, 2007 and we welcomed our beautiful daughter, Madelyn into the world on December 13, 2008. Our life was perfect and we couldn't get enough of our little girl. We questioned what we did before we had her and how meaningless our life had been. Funny how by having a child, your own needs and wants change and your only concern is making sure that your child has everything they could possibly need and want.
We decided in early 2010 that we wanted to expand our family. When I found out I was pregnant, I cried. I was so happy yet so nervous. I didn't think it was possible that I could love another human like I loved Madelyn. I remember sitting in Madelyn's room one night watching her sleep and just sobbing. I felt so guilty that I was having another baby and so afraid that she was going to feel neglected because our focus would be on this new baby. I was scheduled for c-section on December 17th. We spent the day with Maddy on December 16th, just enjoying our last day as a family of three. I hardly slept a wink that night, worrying about the thought of adding another child to our happy home.
December 17th came and at 1:04 PM, I heard the most beautiful cries of my son, Noah Paul. I instantly knew that my heart had enough love to offer for both of my children! When the doctor brought Noah over, I kissed his little cheeks and he looked at me with big blue eyes. When I was finally done in surgery, they wheeled me up and I got to hold my son for the first time. The love that I felt for him was so much the same as the love I had for my daughter, yet so different. I knew instantly that I was complete. I had everything I could want in life and so much more. I bonded instantly with him and just cried happy tears.
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The happiest moment for me was when Madelyn got to come in the room to meet her new baby brother. She acted like she had known him forever and loved him instantly. Being in that hospital room as a family of four was the best feeling in the world. From that day forward, she loved her brother and never passed up a chance to smother him with kisses or just taking a break from playing to go talk to him for a bit.
The day we brought Noah home it felt like we had always had our family of four and I was sure that nothing was going to come between us. I am a constant worrier, but for the first time in my life, I convinced myself that I was blessed with a perfect family and nothing could take that away from me.
I thanked God every day for the life that he had given me and counted my blessings over and over. My kids were given thousands of kisses every day and probably reminded of my love for them twice for every kiss I gave them. I didn't take a day for granted. I did everything right-I wasn't overprotective, but I tried my best to offer them the best that I could to make sure that they were healthy and happy.
Noah was the most perfect baby I had ever known. From the first night in the hospital, he slept through the night. He didn't fuss. He just soaked up every bit of life that was around him. I said many times that he was almost too good to be true. When we had Madelyn, we thought she was the best baby one could ask for, but when we met Noah, we found out what a good baby really is. He wasn't just good. He was perfect. He was perfect in every aspect. The only time he fussed was when he was really tired and it wasn't the normal fussy cry, it was just a quiet cry. I'd lay him in his bed and he'd be off to sleep.
We enjoyed every chance we had with our kids. My last memory of the four of us was May 8, 2011. It was Mother's Day. Kevin took me out for dinner and my mom watched my kids. After dinner, we picked the kids up and headed home. We were both tired from a long weekend of running, but we decided we should take the kids for a walk since it was a nice night. We tried to put them both in the wagon we bought them for Christmas, but Noah was still a little unstable, so Maddy sat in the wagon and I pushed Noah in the stroller. We walked the whole circle around town, a much longer walk than we normally take, but it was so nice out and we were having such a nice time talking and watching our kids enjoy the stroll. We got home that night and I gave them each a bath. Maddy was playing in the tub, so I got Noah out, lotioned him up, and got him into his jammies. They were a pair of my favorite pajamas he had, they had little whales on them and were red and blue. I layed him on my bedroom floor and he just kicked and cooed and the light and ceiling fan. I then got Maddy out and dressed and we relaxed for a bit before bedtime.
Noah usually slept through the night every night, but that night he woke up twice. He wasn't crying for food, he just wanted his pacifier and then he would drift off to sleep. If I had known that would be the last time he would wake me up with his cries, I would have sat up all night and just held him. The next morning, I got ready for work and Kevin got Noah out of his bed and fed him his bottle. Before I left for work, I went into our bedroom and Noah was laying on Kevin's belly and looked up at me with the biggest smile I will never forget. I kissed his cheek and he gave me a loud belly laugh. I remember, I just wanted to climb back into bed and spend the day with my family, but I had to get going to work. I never thought for a second that would be the last time I saw my baby boy alive.
We decided in early 2010 that we wanted to expand our family. When I found out I was pregnant, I cried. I was so happy yet so nervous. I didn't think it was possible that I could love another human like I loved Madelyn. I remember sitting in Madelyn's room one night watching her sleep and just sobbing. I felt so guilty that I was having another baby and so afraid that she was going to feel neglected because our focus would be on this new baby. I was scheduled for c-section on December 17th. We spent the day with Maddy on December 16th, just enjoying our last day as a family of three. I hardly slept a wink that night, worrying about the thought of adding another child to our happy home.
December 17th came and at 1:04 PM, I heard the most beautiful cries of my son, Noah Paul. I instantly knew that my heart had enough love to offer for both of my children! When the doctor brought Noah over, I kissed his little cheeks and he looked at me with big blue eyes. When I was finally done in surgery, they wheeled me up and I got to hold my son for the first time. The love that I felt for him was so much the same as the love I had for my daughter, yet so different. I knew instantly that I was complete. I had everything I could want in life and so much more. I bonded instantly with him and just cried happy tears.
The day we brought Noah home it felt like we had always had our family of four and I was sure that nothing was going to come between us. I am a constant worrier, but for the first time in my life, I convinced myself that I was blessed with a perfect family and nothing could take that away from me.
I thanked God every day for the life that he had given me and counted my blessings over and over. My kids were given thousands of kisses every day and probably reminded of my love for them twice for every kiss I gave them. I didn't take a day for granted. I did everything right-I wasn't overprotective, but I tried my best to offer them the best that I could to make sure that they were healthy and happy.
Noah was the most perfect baby I had ever known. From the first night in the hospital, he slept through the night. He didn't fuss. He just soaked up every bit of life that was around him. I said many times that he was almost too good to be true. When we had Madelyn, we thought she was the best baby one could ask for, but when we met Noah, we found out what a good baby really is. He wasn't just good. He was perfect. He was perfect in every aspect. The only time he fussed was when he was really tired and it wasn't the normal fussy cry, it was just a quiet cry. I'd lay him in his bed and he'd be off to sleep.
We enjoyed every chance we had with our kids. My last memory of the four of us was May 8, 2011. It was Mother's Day. Kevin took me out for dinner and my mom watched my kids. After dinner, we picked the kids up and headed home. We were both tired from a long weekend of running, but we decided we should take the kids for a walk since it was a nice night. We tried to put them both in the wagon we bought them for Christmas, but Noah was still a little unstable, so Maddy sat in the wagon and I pushed Noah in the stroller. We walked the whole circle around town, a much longer walk than we normally take, but it was so nice out and we were having such a nice time talking and watching our kids enjoy the stroll. We got home that night and I gave them each a bath. Maddy was playing in the tub, so I got Noah out, lotioned him up, and got him into his jammies. They were a pair of my favorite pajamas he had, they had little whales on them and were red and blue. I layed him on my bedroom floor and he just kicked and cooed and the light and ceiling fan. I then got Maddy out and dressed and we relaxed for a bit before bedtime.
Noah usually slept through the night every night, but that night he woke up twice. He wasn't crying for food, he just wanted his pacifier and then he would drift off to sleep. If I had known that would be the last time he would wake me up with his cries, I would have sat up all night and just held him. The next morning, I got ready for work and Kevin got Noah out of his bed and fed him his bottle. Before I left for work, I went into our bedroom and Noah was laying on Kevin's belly and looked up at me with the biggest smile I will never forget. I kissed his cheek and he gave me a loud belly laugh. I remember, I just wanted to climb back into bed and spend the day with my family, but I had to get going to work. I never thought for a second that would be the last time I saw my baby boy alive.
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