I can't believe that we have made it through one whole year without Noah! He is gone, but certainly never, ever forgotten!
All day today I thought about this terrible day last year. From the second I got the phone call until days after the funeral, I kept asking myself what I was going to do. I will forever cherish our last day as a family of four, Mother's Day. We spent the weekened with Kevin's parents, so they got to spend the whole weekend with Noah from Friday afternoon until Sunday afternoon with the kids which is totally out of the norm, then we went to my parents' on Sunday to visit so my dad and mom got to spend time with both of the kids. We planned on going out for dinner as a family for Mother's Day, but my mom offered to keep Noah and Maddy, so that gave her extra time with him. Noah slept through the night from the time we were in the hospital, but on May 8th, he woke up twice during the night. All I had to do was give him his nuk and he went back to sleep. On May 9th, he woke up earlier then normal. When I left for work, Kevin was in bed with him, feeding him. I will never forget looking at his giant smile dripping with milk in his blue and red whale jammies.I think he knew. I think he knew that he was only scheduled to be on earth with us for a very brief time, so he planned it so he would be able to spend extra time with us before he left.
I will never, ever forget the sound of Kevin's voice on the phone when he called. To this day, when he calls me at work, I pause before answering the phone. I will never be able to walk into that hospital and not think of Noah. I remember days before Noah died, I read an article on the internet about a baby that was declared dead but miraculously started breathing again a long time later. I prayed as I walked from the waiting room to Noah's room that he would pull through.
As I look back on the past year, I am thankful. I am thankful for Josiah. He was truly a gift sent straight from Noah. I look into his blue eyes and his big dimpled smile and my heart aches. It aches in happiness for all that we have left and it aches in sorrow for all that we have lost. Maddy always reminds us when she sees us sad that we have Josiah now. That seems logical, but Josiah will never, never fill the void that Noah left. For people that don't know us, we look like a happy family of four. But, for those of you who know us, we are a family of 5, but one left us way too soon. We are like a puzzle with one piece missing. I told Kevin a few days ago that without our faith, family, and friends, we would have crumbled. But, we chose not to play the pity card. From day one, we looked at all that we have to be thankful for and not what we lost.
A friend of mine told me to focus on all that Noah gave us, not what we lost with his sudden departure. So, today I looked around and reminded myself that I have 3 beautiful babies, 2 on earth and 1 in Heaven. We are a very complete family. I have a stronger marriage than I did a year ago because of what we went through. I remember sitting at the hospital and thinking, I am going to be divorced, and then telling my mom later that day that I don't want to get divorced. I don't want the stress of the loss of a child to break us apart. She said, marriages that fall apart over the death of a child were already broken long before. And she was so right.
Tonight we went to the cemetery to send off ballons to our little Noah. Kevin and I were both in tears as soon as we pulled into the church parking lot because a few people had already been up to visit Noah. His grave sparkled with pinwheels, butterflies, and beautiful bright flowers. We are so touched to know that one year after our tragic loss, so many people still continue to think of us and hurt right along with us.
Maddy asked 100 questions up at the cemetery about Noah and why he had to leave us. It hurts that we can't answer any questions, but someday we will have all of the answers. But, as I said before, when we get the answers, we won't care because by that time we will be reunited with our beautiful blue-eyed angel! Maddy said on the way out of the cemetery that next year she is going to jump on a balloon and ride up to Noah's cloud to see him. I wish that I could have her innocence for a little bit. And I wish we could find that balloon that could take us to where Noah is and bring him back down, so we can once again be a complete family.
Thank you to everyone from the bottom of our hearts for the thoughts, prayers, friendship, and love. Without so many people caring we would not have survived the unimaginable during the past year! God Bless each and every one of you!
