4 Months 22 Days

Dear Noah,

Tomorrow is 4 months 22 days since we lost you. We have been missing you for exactly as many days as we had you with us. I miss you every day. I saw a diaper commercial tonight and it brought tears to my eyes. There are so many simple things in life that I miss, so many things that most people take for granted.

Life isn't the same without you. You have changed me and your daddy so much. We will forever be a little different because of what we loved and lost. We are better people. Our motto in life is: "Dream as if you'll live forever.  Live as if you'll die today." ( ~James Dean) It might seem real simple and stupid, but we found out just how fragile life is the day we lost you. Some days I sit and stare at your pictures and I am angry. I am mad that I didn't get to watch you grow into the man that I hoped one day you would become. I am mad that on December 17, 2010, our family was complete. Our little family of four was "perfect". I begged God to give me a healthy baby and I would be content. Then on May 9, 2011, you became our Angel. I have questioned every day since we lost you why, but at the end of the day, I am without answers and I know we are going to be ok. I know we will be with you again soon for eternity!

Maddy misses you. Just last weekend she was asking for her brother Noah. My heart aches for her because she is so innocent and so confused. She was a good big sister. I can't help but miss all of the times that you would smile at her and she would just shriek with excitement that "Noah smiled at me"! We look at your pictures often and she is always so happy to see your face. Some day we will be able to tell her stories about you and she will understand that she has a beautiful baby brother that earned his wings way too soon and we will make sure she knows that you are watching over her every second of her life.

We went to our ultrasound on Tuesday. We found out we are having a boy. I was an emotional wreck all day on Tuesday. I believe that you gave us this gift that I am carrying and I can't wait to meet him. It is unbelievable that we will meet this little boy almost 9 months to the day that we lost you. I won't lie, a part of me wanted you to be our one and only boy for a while, but now that I have had time to think about it, I am so excited to have this little boy in my arms! He is going to be so loved and he will know all about his older brother Noah that he never got to meet. Big brothers are supposed to protect their siblings and I know you will do a good job of that!

Daddy misses you so much, too. His Brewers have their first playoff game tomorrow. We didn't get to go to any Brewer games this year because it was too hard. We talked all winter about going to a Brewer game as a family of four and we never got a chance to do that. But, I really think that you had a hand in sending the Brewers to the playoffs. It sure made your daddy happy!

I am so thankful for the 4 months and 22 days we had with you. I wouldn't trade those days for anything. The old saying says "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" So true it is!

We love you so much Noah and we miss you more than words can describe. As I told you every day "we love you to the moon and back!:

Love always & forever,

Mommy

 

This was a song that we sang in church today. It made me think about Noah. We also had a baptism for a little boy at church today. It took me back to April 10, 2011, the day when we stood at the front of the church with Noah and had him baptized. That was such a happy day, surrounded by friends, family, and our entire church congregation. I walked down to Noah's grave after church to let him know how much I miss him. We had heavy hearts all day today, all weekend, really. The littlest things can bring back memories of Noah.

We were sitting at home tonight and our Pastor called us out of the blue. She had a feeling that today was a difficult day for us and called to check in on us. I have always thought highly of her, but it wasn't until May 9, 2011 that I realized that she is just an ordinary person with feelings just like any average human. It wasn't until I saw her come rushing into the hospital room the day we lost Noah with tears in her eyes and the conversations since that day that we have had with her that I came to realize that she is a woman in a profession, but she is also a wife, a daughter, and a mother. She is compassionate, kind, and so wise. Her wisdom comforts me and intrigues me. Kevin and I have always felt a special bond towards her since our pre-marriage classes, but after having her with us through these past few months, she will forever be an extra special person in our lives. The wise words and comfort that she has brought our family with the loss of Noah is unexplainable. She married us, baptized both of our kids, and has been simply amazing since the day we lost Noah. We are so grateful to have a wonderful pastor in our lives to solidify our faith when we are doubting it the most.

“Little we knew that morning, God was going to call your name, in life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same. It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone, for part of us went with you, the day God called you home. You left us beautiful memories, your love is still our guide, and though we cannot see you, you are always by our side. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same, but as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.” Author Unknown

I can't believe that 2 days from now is 9 months since we welcomed our beautiful baby boy into the world. I can't help but think of what we are missing out on-all of the milestones that some parents take for granted. He will forever be our 4 month, 17 pound, bald-headed, toothless baby boy. I will forever wish that we could see him sit up, crawl, take his first steps, graduate high school, get married and have kids of his own. I miss what we had, but I also mourn for what we could have had. I went to a wedding not too long ago and I cried while watching the slideshow of the groom. It made me look at the groom and wish that one day I would have had the chance to go out on the dance floor and dance with my son Noah for the mother-son dance. I am able to have peace of mind knowing that he will forever be innocent and never know suffering or pain.
I had a panic attack on the operating table when I was in surgery and I begged and prayed for a healthy baby. When I heard his cries, all of my worries went away. The second they put him in my arms, I knew that he was mine to love forever. I often said that he was "too good to be true". I guess I was right. I had my angel here on earth, but I was only given 4 months. Now I have an angel above to watch over us. I know he was sent here for a reason and I will live the rest of my life trying to find that reason and I will make him proud. I am a better person and my faith is stronger than ever after dealing with his loss.
I always joked that I wanted to put my kids in a bubble to protect them from the dangers of the world. I found out in an instant that no matter how much you shelter them and love them, you aren't guaranteed. When I kissed Noah good-bye on May 9th, I never would have believed that I would never again see him alive again, see that big beautiful smile. But, I can also say that if I was given the chance to trade all of this pain for the 4 months of joy that I had with him, I would say no way. I know I will feel this pain for a lifetime, but there is also a piece of my heart that will forever have joy and happiness that I wouldn't have felt had I never had the chance to meet Noah Paul.

Through all of this, I have learned to slow down, enjoy each day, and not to worry about the unknown. Everything works out and I am capable of crossing hurdles when they get in my way. I have survived the unimaginable. I can survive anything.

I listen to people complain about their parenting duties, sleepless nights, etc and I want to scream. Do they understand what a gift they have? Do they know how badly I want a sleepless night? I know it is stressful and parenting is tough. We all have stressful days, but some people complain every single day. As I have said before....Life is what you make it. If you don't like it, change it.
 I went back through my Facebook tonight and I read my posts from December until the day before we lost Noah-Mother's Day and I can say that I didn't take what I had for granted. I counted my blessings over and over and still to this day after losing a huge piece of myself, I am still thankful for all that we have been given and I am extremely thankful for the support that we have in our lives. Without our friends and family, I don't know how we would have survived.

Here are a few of my Facebook posts that illustrate just how blessed I felt:

I hope everyone had a great Mother's Day! I am so thankful for all my mom has done, for my mother in law that gave me the amazing man that I married, & the two beautiful babies I was blessed with! ♥


Sitting up with Noah. He's sound asleep but so precious watching him sleep and listening to him snore! ♥


Loves it when Maddy stops what she's doing to give Noah hugs & kisses!!


Maddy told me she loves me to the moon and back. Ok, she was just copying me but it still melted my heart. ♥♥


So thankful for all that I have been blessed with in life!
Had a great day with family & friends! Thanks to all that helped us celebrate. Special thanks to Scott Jennings & Tanya Onsager for taking Noah as your Godchild!


Thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes! I had a wonderful day! I am so blessed to have a loving husband, 2 wonderful kids, & the best family and friends!


I'm lucky, I was raised by the best parents and have the husband I always dreamed of. And to top it all off I have 2 wonderful children that make me want to be the best person possible! ♥


Snuggling with my freshly bathed babies....life is great! :)


There is nothing better than a lazy day snuggling with my kids! ♥♥♥ (just wish my husband was here to join us!)


I ♥ my family!


Had a great lunch with the best husband in the world! ♥


Should not torture myself by listening to the heartbreaking stories on cow 97's st jude telethon! Thankful for healthy kids!


Snuggling with Noah. It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it! ♥ ♥


Best part of my Valentine's Day: Madelyn's hugs and telling me "I love you Mommy. I missed you much." Who knew that such a little person could make you love so much!?


I survived my first week back to work. It was good to get back into my routine and so worth it to come home to Madelyn & Noah. I am blessed!


I hate the thought of leaving my kids on Monday to return to work, but all good things must come to an end. ;( I am truly thankful to be blessed with a good job that allows me to provide for my family.


Noah survived night number one in his own room. And so did I. :)


Great ending to a perfect day...Noah's smiles! ♥♥

heading to Madison for a "Maddy Day"! :)

Noah is 6 weeks old today. I wish I could freeze time. :(

We are having a "Maddy Day" on Saturday. Taking Maddy to the Children's Museum while Grandma Paula Kennedy Ahlers watches Noah. Can't wait!

Noah is one month old today. He makes me want 5 more of him!

looking forward to a date night with Kevin Weinshrott this weekend! Dinner and a movie and I'm sure a conversation about how much we miss Madelyn & Noah... :)I am so lucky to have my little family. Noah was the perfect addition!

is smitten by an 8 pound little man!

had a great day today with my family. Looking forward to heading to my grandpa's tomorrow so Noah can meet a super special man, his great-grandpa Ahlers!

 

wishing everyone a safe & happy 2011!! Hard to believe 2010 is coming to an end, but looking forward to what 2011 has in store!! (if only I knew!!!)

 

had a wonderful Christmas. I truly could not ask for anything more-wonderful friends & family, a loving husband, a beautiful daughter, and my precious son. I AM BLESSED! ♥♥

Thank you everyone for the congrats!! Noah Paul Weinshrott was born on 12/17/10 at 1:04 PM. 7 lbs 14 oz-20 inches long. We are home and enjoying our new additon. We are so blessed!

Two years ago today I was blessed with the most perfect gift ever-my daughter Madelyn. I love you sweet baby girl!!

I miss Noah every day. Just when I think I am getting ahead of the pain, it catches me off guard. I would do anything to have our family complete again. It's funny to think that a year ago, I was worried that having another baby would make Maddy feel less loved and I didn't know how I could possibly love another baby as much as I did her. Then we had him and everything was right. I couldn't have asked for the more perfect family. The Lord works in mysterious ways because here we are missing our son and preparing for another baby. I know that this baby won't replace what we lost and I don't want Noah replaced. I do know that this child will be the perfect addition to our family and we will have Noah watching over us, our precious little angel.

People have told me that I inspire them and that they are amazed by my strength. Truth is, I surprise myself. I have never lost anyone close to me before and I had always been trying to mentally prepare myself for the day that I would lose my parents, but I never in a million years would have thought I would have to lose my child. Especially at only 4 months old. I tried to do all of the right things in life and thought God would reward me for that. I have learned since May 9th that God does not punish or reward us. I also learned that you have an inner strength that you never knew you had. I remember that awful day and the days that followed I just kept asking what I was going to do. I didn't know how life could go on after such a devastating loss, but then I looked around at my family and friends, and even strangers and reminded myself that I have so much to live for. Noah will forever be a part of us and my heart still aches. I miss him more than words can describe and I would give anything and everything to have him back. Unfortunately, that's not an option, so I move on. I want him to look down and me and be proud of the mom that I am for Maddy and for his future brother/sister.
I get angry. I have days that I am pissed off at the world and I look at families and wonder why. I wonder what they did right to deserve all of their kids and what we did to deserve the hand we were dealt. But, most days, I am thankful for what I have and the four solid months that we did have with Noah. We loved that little boy with our whole hearts. He got hugs and kisses and snuggles and he got to hear how much we loved him and I know he knew how much he was loved. He was so content and so trusting. He didn't live a second of his life being less than loved and for that I can live my life and be thankful and continue to pass that on to Maddy.
What angers me the most is the stories that I have read in the last four months....they hit home harder now. Every time I hear of a baby being abused, neglected, killed, I think of what we lost and how unfair that is. In the last month, I have heard of three babies not too far from home being beaten to death, one baby left dead in a garbage bag in a grocery store bathroom, a baby found floating dead down the Mississippi, and countless others that I have missed or not heard about. I don't know what kind of person can possibly treat a child like that much less any human being. I have several close friends that can't have kids of their own and would love to have a baby to love. We live for our kids and we lost Noah.I have also come to know several great people that have lost their children way too soon.I can't make sense of such a situation. To adopt a pet from the humane society, you have to go through screening and a waiting period, but anyone has the right to have a baby and then you hear stories of abuse, neglect, murder and it makes you sick. There are wonderful, stable families that lose children even though they did everything right. I know I can't change my situation, but I want people to realize how fragile and precious life is. I wish people would love their kids and smother them with kisses. I think the world would be a much better place if there was more love in it!

Four Months And Counting

It's closing in on four months since we lost Noah. Four months! Some days it feels like forever and other days, it feels like yesterday. It's hard to believe that we have been grieving his loss for almost as long as we had him with us here on Earth. It's unfair and cruel. I have learned a lot in these past four months. I have met some great people that have crossed my path because of our horrible loss and I have realized that we have the best friends and family in the world, and most of all, I learned that our faith is rock solid and it has given us strength when nothing else could. Sadly, I have also learned that some people are ignorant and I will have to weed those people out of my life one at a time. I refuse to be brought down when I am dealing with something that most people could never imagine...and I hope for their sakes that they are never given the chance to walk this journey.

I am moving on. I have come a long ways since we lost Noah. I consider every morning that I climb out of bed a huge step towards healing. There are plenty of days that I would prefer to pull the covers up over my head and hide from the reality of life, but I have a daughter to take care of and I realize that life does go on.

I like to hear Noah's name and I like to talk about him. When I hear Noah's name, it is music to my ears. I like to talk about him and I fear that people will forget about him. My precious baby boy was only given 4 short months, but he touched a lot of lives in his short time and I pray that he was able to make a lasting impression on all of those people because I sure am smitten by him and I would give anything to have just one more day with him.

I fear that we will be forgotten about. We have such an awesome support system and many of those people have been there from day 1. I worry that people figure that we are healed after four months. We are not and I'm pretty certain we never will be "healed". We deal with the situation we were given because we have no choice. We don't want to sit around and sulk all of the time, but please understand that we still have bad days and will for years to come. Some days we just need a shoulder to cry on.

We went to Arizona last week and I was homesick. I cried myself to sleep several nights. It was so wrong that we were in AZ on a family vacation and part of our family wasn't there. When I am home, I feel close to Noah. I feel good knowing that I can go up to the church anytime and visit his grave. We went up there yesterday to visit his grave. I miss him so much. I am still in complete disbelief at times that we were robbed of him.

Every time I hear of a young person dying, it breaks my heart. I remember those first few days and feeling so lost. I ache for those that are just beginning their horrible path into the unknown. I am relieved to say that after four months I am at least getting used to living with the loss and heartache.

I have learned that life is fragile--enjoy every moment because tomorrow is not a guarantee. I have also learned that you have to be kind. You never know what battle anyone is dealing with. Your kindess might be the one positive in someone's life.