Eighteen Months

November 9th will be eighteen months since we lost Noah. We should be getting ready for his 2nd birthday. I look at kids around his age and I wonder what he would look like, what his voice would sound like, and how different our life would be if only we could have kept him.

A friend of mine recently sent me the link to Taylor Swift's song, "Ronan". It's about a blue-eyed boy that died at 4 years old. That song gave me chills from the first time I listened to it. I only had 4 months with Noah, but we will always love him "to the moon and back", it is engraved on his headstone and we told him that every day. My sister told me the other day that Ronan passed away on 5/9/11. The same day we lost Noah. If you have a chance, listen to that song! I have listened to it over and over.

Every day I look at Josiah and I thank God for sending him to us. Josiah was due 9 months from the day we lost Noah and he has been such a miracle. He has helped our entire family heal in ways that we could never have imagined. Kevin and I count our blessings daily. We have said since the day we lost Noah that we were not going to focus on what we lost, but for what we still have to be thankful for. It has helped us tremendously. We went trick or treating as a family of 4 on Wednesday and there was a brief while that I looked at our kids and I thought how awesome it was to have our happy little family, but how I wished that we had all 3 kids walking with us.

I am writing this blog today because I can't believe that 18 months has passed since that awful Monday morning. I remember thinking that I didn't know how I could possibly go on that day. But, we did. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday that I spent the last day with Maddy and Noah. And other times, I just pray that I will never forget those beautiful piercing blue eyes and that sweet face.

The truth is, time does not heal all wounds. I still ache for Noah. Eighteen months ago I prayed that the nightmare would go away and yet he is still my very first thought each day and my last thought each night. I still cry. I have days that I cry at what we lost and other days, I can smile at those sweet memories. A piece of our family is gone forever. I am not the same person that I was before we lost our son, but I try to be the best person that I can be and the best mother that I can be to my kids. I know that God has a plan. I truly believe that Josiah is part of that plan. There are times that I drive to work and I think of that Monday morning that I thought of a million things that I had to do and how great our weekend was. I never would have thought that in a few short hours we would be shaken with such a tragedy. there are days that Kevin calls me at work and I wish that I could take that one phone call back. I wish God didn't have so much trust that I am such a strong person. But, I am thankful for the strength I have found to go on with my life and I am so thankful for my strong faith.

Some day I will look into Noah's eyes again. Some day I will get to hold that precious boy in my arms, but for now, we have beautiful memories of our brief 4 months 22 days we shared with him.

We love you to the moon and back, sweet baby boy!