I simply can't believe that two years has passed since our lives were turned upside down. When I look back, it seems like just yesterday since that horrific day. But, it seems like a forever since I last held that baby boy. I think back to that week and all of the emotions that I was feeling. I still live those emotions over and over. My good days outnumber my bad, but I still have days that my heart aches. I have days that I want to stand on top of a mountain and yell that I lost my baby boy. That after 4 months 22 days, my heart that was filled with so much happiness and love had a huge piece ripped right out of my chest. I look back at what the past two years and I am amazed. I am amazed at the courage that I have had to face each day. I remember the first few weeks after we lost Noah. I hated night time, hated it. It made me literally nauseous. I didn't like how quiet our house was. I didn't like the darkness. I didn't like waking up every morning and praying that I was waking up from a terrible nightmare only to realize that it was still true.
Two years have passed, but Noah is still my first thought when I open my eyes each morning and my last thought before I drift off to sleep. He is in my thoughts all day, every day. I look at Maddy and Josiah and I am so thankful for what I have. But, there is so much of me that wishes that Noah was here to make our lives complete. I know that Noah lived the full life that was intended for him. I know he was sent to us for a reason and he completed his journey. I am at peace knowing that Noah will only know innocence and unconditional love. He will never know pain, hatred, or worry.
Losing Noah has forever changed me, but it has also brought positive to our lives where negative could have easily crept in. We were hit with the harsh reality that we aren't invincible and that life is precious. We had heard it a thousand times, but until we were faced with it, we didn't realize just how quickly lives can change. We were also shocked to find out that I was due to have another baby exactly 9 months to the day that we lost Noah. 9 months and 2 days after we lived the worst day of our entire lives, Josiah Paul entered the world. Josiah will never fill the void that Noah left and he does not replace the son that we lost. He is our sunshine after a horrible storm and has brought so much happiness to our lives.
Our marriage has survived and more importantly, flourished. Our respect and love for eachother has grown. On October 6, 2007, I stood at the front of the church and I vowed in front of my family, friends, and God to love Kevin for better, worse.....I didn't realize on that day just how proud I would be 5 1/2 years later to say that after all that our marriage has been through, it is stronger than ever. Our faith has carried us through when nothing else could have. I have faith that one day we will meet back up with our blue-eyed boy. I will see that smile and know that it is mine to enjoy for eternity.
My biggest fear is that people will forget. I will never get over Noah. A piece of my life was taken from me and I am scarred. I still cry, but the tears fall less often now. But, there are certain times that it hits me harder than others, holidays, birthdays, etc. Some times I just want to say his name. I remember dreading it when people would strike up conversations about my kids because I never knew how to answer the question. At first, I would just include Noah, but that question was always followed by "how old?". For the longest time, I would just lie and tell them Noah was four months old. But, now it depends on the day. Most of the time, I only mention Maddy and Josiah because I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable But, then I have the guilt that sweet Noah deserves to be mentioned.. Being a bereaved mother is nothing that I would wish on anyone. I know that there are millions of parents that have lost kids, so I am nothing special, but I have grown from a tragedy and I am proud to say that I have survived 2 full years.
The other night while saying bedtime prayers, Maddy thanked God for "making us so brave". I smiled because she captured my thoughts exactly! I am so thankful to the Lord for making me so brave. I found strength and courage to face each day, that was from a blessing because from day one I didn't know how I would survive.
"Some people dream of angels, we held one in our arms" 12/17/10-05/09/11 Noah Paul Weinshrott
Very precious and sweet! I know exactly how you feel...that is something you will think about every day for the rest of your life. No worries. ..we will never forget Noah! I often think about him and Cheryl playing together up there! They are in very good company and in a much better place than we are! Take care and God bless you and your family!
ReplyDelete