Our middle child turns 3 this week! He will forever be that chunky little baby in our minds, so it is heartbreaking to think the little boy that is missing from our lives would soon be 3!!As I watch Maddy and Joey each day, I wonder what Noah would be like. He was such a good baby with the most laid back personality imaginable. I have always said that I think my motherly instinct knew Noah wasn't mine to keep. Toward the end of my pregnancy with him he was very inactive. I went in to get checked out because I was worried, but my Dr reassured me everything was fine. The day that I had Noah I prayed over and over for a healthy baby. I kept asking my DR and the surgeon if he was Ok. I ended up having a panic attack on the table. Deep down, I think I knew. Tonight my mom posted a picture of my dad holding Noah. That picture brought tears to my eyes. My dad hardly ever held Noah. I asked my mom one time why and she didn't have an answer. When we lost Noah she said maybe Dad had a gut feeling.
Tonight I think back to what I was doing 3 years ago and I remember how excited and nervous I was. I was so excited to meet our son, but so unsure that I had enough love for two kids. The second I heard Noah's cry and looked into his eyes I knew how much love I had. I loved everything about that boy. The only thing I regret is not celebrating Noah just a little more. One month before we lost him we celebrated his baptism and still to this day I am so thankful we had him baptized.
This weekend was so happy for our family, but my heart aches at the thought of a new week. We had so much fun celebrating Maddy's 5th birthday this weekend. I am sad and mad that this week would be Noah's 3rd birthday. Another birthday spent without him here. My only hope is that he knows that not a day passes that we don't think of him. Every hour that passes includes a thought of him. Every ounce of me wishes he was here and misses what should have been. Maddy talks about him often and Joey will hear all about his big brother.
Happy Birthday in Heaven Noah Paul! You are loved so much! I picture what you would be today. I wish you were here to celebrate, but I am sure you will have a beautiful birthday celebration up above. Tonight I was washing dishes and I looked up at the big moon and I know it was you smiling down.. We love you to the moon and back sweet baby boy!!
No comments:
Post a Comment