Four Months And Counting

It's closing in on four months since we lost Noah. Four months! Some days it feels like forever and other days, it feels like yesterday. It's hard to believe that we have been grieving his loss for almost as long as we had him with us here on Earth. It's unfair and cruel. I have learned a lot in these past four months. I have met some great people that have crossed my path because of our horrible loss and I have realized that we have the best friends and family in the world, and most of all, I learned that our faith is rock solid and it has given us strength when nothing else could. Sadly, I have also learned that some people are ignorant and I will have to weed those people out of my life one at a time. I refuse to be brought down when I am dealing with something that most people could never imagine...and I hope for their sakes that they are never given the chance to walk this journey.

I am moving on. I have come a long ways since we lost Noah. I consider every morning that I climb out of bed a huge step towards healing. There are plenty of days that I would prefer to pull the covers up over my head and hide from the reality of life, but I have a daughter to take care of and I realize that life does go on.

I like to hear Noah's name and I like to talk about him. When I hear Noah's name, it is music to my ears. I like to talk about him and I fear that people will forget about him. My precious baby boy was only given 4 short months, but he touched a lot of lives in his short time and I pray that he was able to make a lasting impression on all of those people because I sure am smitten by him and I would give anything to have just one more day with him.

I fear that we will be forgotten about. We have such an awesome support system and many of those people have been there from day 1. I worry that people figure that we are healed after four months. We are not and I'm pretty certain we never will be "healed". We deal with the situation we were given because we have no choice. We don't want to sit around and sulk all of the time, but please understand that we still have bad days and will for years to come. Some days we just need a shoulder to cry on.

We went to Arizona last week and I was homesick. I cried myself to sleep several nights. It was so wrong that we were in AZ on a family vacation and part of our family wasn't there. When I am home, I feel close to Noah. I feel good knowing that I can go up to the church anytime and visit his grave. We went up there yesterday to visit his grave. I miss him so much. I am still in complete disbelief at times that we were robbed of him.

Every time I hear of a young person dying, it breaks my heart. I remember those first few days and feeling so lost. I ache for those that are just beginning their horrible path into the unknown. I am relieved to say that after four months I am at least getting used to living with the loss and heartache.

I have learned that life is fragile--enjoy every moment because tomorrow is not a guarantee. I have also learned that you have to be kind. You never know what battle anyone is dealing with. Your kindess might be the one positive in someone's life.