Tomorrow is 4 months 22 days since we lost you. We have been missing you for exactly as many days as we had you with us. I miss you every day. I saw a diaper commercial tonight and it brought tears to my eyes. There are so many simple things in life that I miss, so many things that most people take for granted.
Life isn't the same without you. You have changed me and your daddy so much. We will forever be a little different because of what we loved and lost. We are better people. Our motto in life is: "Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today." ( ~James Dean) It might seem real simple and stupid, but we found out just how fragile life is the day we lost you. Some days I sit and stare at your pictures and I am angry. I am mad that I didn't get to watch you grow into the man that I hoped one day you would become. I am mad that on December 17, 2010, our family was complete. Our little family of four was "perfect". I begged God to give me a healthy baby and I would be content. Then on May 9, 2011, you became our Angel. I have questioned every day since we lost you why, but at the end of the day, I am without answers and I know we are going to be ok. I know we will be with you again soon for eternity!
Maddy misses you. Just last weekend she was asking for her brother Noah. My heart aches for her because she is so innocent and so confused. She was a good big sister. I can't help but miss all of the times that you would smile at her and she would just shriek with excitement that "Noah smiled at me"! We look at your pictures often and she is always so happy to see your face. Some day we will be able to tell her stories about you and she will understand that she has a beautiful baby brother that earned his wings way too soon and we will make sure she knows that you are watching over her every second of her life.
We went to our ultrasound on Tuesday. We found out we are having a boy. I was an emotional wreck all day on Tuesday. I believe that you gave us this gift that I am carrying and I can't wait to meet him. It is unbelievable that we will meet this little boy almost 9 months to the day that we lost you. I won't lie, a part of me wanted you to be our one and only boy for a while, but now that I have had time to think about it, I am so excited to have this little boy in my arms! He is going to be so loved and he will know all about his older brother Noah that he never got to meet. Big brothers are supposed to protect their siblings and I know you will do a good job of that!
Daddy misses you so much, too. His Brewers have their first playoff game tomorrow. We didn't get to go to any Brewer games this year because it was too hard. We talked all winter about going to a Brewer game as a family of four and we never got a chance to do that. But, I really think that you had a hand in sending the Brewers to the playoffs. It sure made your daddy happy!
I am so thankful for the 4 months and 22 days we had with you. I wouldn't trade those days for anything. The old saying says "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" So true it is!
We love you so much Noah and we miss you more than words can describe. As I told you every day "we love you to the moon and back!:
Love always & forever,
Mommy
Those pictures of Noah still make me catch my breath every time I look at them. I will forever be honored and grateful that I was able to take those photographs.
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