People have told me that I inspire them and that they are amazed by my strength. Truth is, I surprise myself. I have never lost anyone close to me before and I had always been trying to mentally prepare myself for the day that I would lose my parents, but I never in a million years would have thought I would have to lose my child. Especially at only 4 months old. I tried to do all of the right things in life and thought God would reward me for that. I have learned since May 9th that God does not punish or reward us. I also learned that you have an inner strength that you never knew you had. I remember that awful day and the days that followed I just kept asking what I was going to do. I didn't know how life could go on after such a devastating loss, but then I looked around at my family and friends, and even strangers and reminded myself that I have so much to live for. Noah will forever be a part of us and my heart still aches. I miss him more than words can describe and I would give anything and everything to have him back. Unfortunately, that's not an option, so I move on. I want him to look down and me and be proud of the mom that I am for Maddy and for his future brother/sister.
I get angry. I have days that I am pissed off at the world and I look at families and wonder why. I wonder what they did right to deserve all of their kids and what we did to deserve the hand we were dealt. But, most days, I am thankful for what I have and the four solid months that we did have with Noah. We loved that little boy with our whole hearts. He got hugs and kisses and snuggles and he got to hear how much we loved him and I know he knew how much he was loved. He was so content and so trusting. He didn't live a second of his life being less than loved and for that I can live my life and be thankful and continue to pass that on to Maddy.
What angers me the most is the stories that I have read in the last four months....they hit home harder now. Every time I hear of a baby being abused, neglected, killed, I think of what we lost and how unfair that is. In the last month, I have heard of three babies not too far from home being beaten to death, one baby left dead in a garbage bag in a grocery store bathroom, a baby found floating dead down the Mississippi, and countless others that I have missed or not heard about. I don't know what kind of person can possibly treat a child like that much less any human being. I have several close friends that can't have kids of their own and would love to have a baby to love. We live for our kids and we lost Noah.I have also come to know several great people that have lost their children way too soon.I can't make sense of such a situation. To adopt a pet from the humane society, you have to go through screening and a waiting period, but anyone has the right to have a baby and then you hear stories of abuse, neglect, murder and it makes you sick. There are wonderful, stable families that lose children even though they did everything right. I know I can't change my situation, but I want people to realize how fragile and precious life is. I wish people would love their kids and smother them with kisses. I think the world would be a much better place if there was more love in it!