In the past 2 months, I have learned so much and experienced more than I ever wanted to experience in a lifetime. I wish I could have one more day with Noah. I am thankful and will forever be thankful that we had a healthy baby and 4 great months with him. We didn't take a day for granted, but he also didn't suffer. On the other hand, that makes it so much harder to accept. He was healthy one minute and gone the next. It doesn't seem right.
I have found that Kevin and I have more friends and family that care about us than we ever knew and that makes the pain a little easier to handle. The support we have received is overwhelming. Our bosses were with us at the hospital on that horrible Monday and our closest friends and family showed up. It sounds foolish now, but at the time, I couldn't believe people were taking time out of their day to come to the hospital to sit with us.
We have learned more than ever during this tragedy the benefits of living in a small town. Businesses, friends, even strangers came together to host benefits for our family, dropped off food, sent cards. I was overwhelmed by the amount of people that offered to help us any way possible. I told my friend that I can't believe how much people care. Her response was "You reap what you Sow". I had never thought of it that way, but she said it perfectly. Kevin & I are good people. We are hardworkers and we are willing to help anyone out however we can. We are who we are, but we have never done anything expecting payback. But, I think we received our "payback" when we needed it most and for that we will be forever grateful.
I don't know how I got signed up for this journey, but I wish I could remove my name from the list, but I know that's not possible. In a grief support group I attend, a girl says that we are in a club that we didn't want to be a part of and that says it perfectly. I remember the night Noah died, I was in his room looking for the perfect outfit for him to be buried in. I wanted something cozy. I went through his dresser and just sobbed, I should not have to be making arrangements for my son.
We are trying to make the most of this summer and one thing that we are anxious to get is Noah's headstone that we recently purchased. I'm 29 years old. I should be excited about some luxurious purchase, but instead I'm anxiously awaiting the day that Noah Paul gets his headstone. These are things that I never thought of and I pray that everyone that is reading this and has kids holds them tight and cherishes every minute they have with them because there are so many people in the world that would do anything to be able to have kids, but because of medical reasons, can't and there are parents in the world that have lost children and would give anything to have them back.
I used to read obituaries and always felt sad when I would read "preceded in death by an infant son/daughter". MY obituary is going to say that and I don't want that. I have plans in my life and I never expected they could be shattered by losing my child.
I got to hold Noah for the last time while our Pastor said a prayer for our family at the wake and I wish I could turn back and hold him just one last time. I would do anything to feel his warm, chunky body in my arms and get one of his wet kisses on my cheek. I miss him more each day. At the funeral, I looked around the church and thought, we have had such happy times in that church--I stood up in my best friend's wedding 10 years ago in that church, in 2007, I married my wonderful husband, in 2009 we got Maddy baptized there, and just a month before the funeral, I was standing up at the front of the church getting Noah baptized. Now, I add the fact that one of the most relaxing places that I love to go now holds the memory of the worst event of my life. Noah is buried in the church cemetery, so now every day that we go to church, I feel Noah there with us.
I am lucky, I have an amazing husband and we are very much on the same page with this whole situation. We have bad days, we cry together, we lean on eachother, and we love Maddy even more than we ever thought possible. The day in the hospital when our babysitter walked in the room, I hugged her and told her not to blame herself. I then wondered if Kevin would blame her. But, we don't have an ounce of anger towards her. I know she would give anything to change this, but it's beyond our control. It was a horrible, tragic event, but beyond our control. I told her before I had Maddy that she's the only one that I could trust my kids with and still to this day, I wouldn't change a thing. I can go to work each day and be comforted that our kids are in the best of hands. People have asked how we can not hate her. I have so much hurt and anger, I don't need to add hate to the list. I think people blame because that helps ease the hurt in some strange way. Kevin & I want to be mad. We want someone to blame, but we can't find anyone. The only person that we both are angry at sometimes is God and I know that's ok. But, as I said before we go from being mad and doubting our faith to begging him for strength and answers. It's a crazy rollercoaster ride we are on!
I read "Heaven Is For Real" the other day. That book gave me so much comfort and it makes me so axious to be reuinted with Noah one day years down the road. Right now, he is in a fabulous place and one day we will all be together and we will have the answers that we need, but by then they won't matter because I will be whole once again.
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