The Worst Day Of My Life

I can't believe that it has been 2 months since the last time that I held my son. They say times heals all wounds, but every day that we live without Noah, the more we miss him, the angrier we get, and the more desperate we are for answers.

Monday, May 9th started out as just an ordinary Monday. I kissed my kids good-bye and left for work, never thinking that I would never see Noah alive again. If I had known that in a few hours, I would be getting the dreaded phone call, I would have done a million things differently that day. I was getting some work done when my phone rang and it was Kevin. I will never in my life forget that phone call or the tone of his  voice. He was so calm. All he said was "Noah's dead". "Come to the hospital. Now." I sat in my chair for a second, just staring at my phone and digested the words. I got up from my desk and ran to my boss's office. I remember telling her that "Noah's dead". She said, "no!" She was so matter of fact that for a split second I thought it was a dirty joke and then I realized that Kevin would never do that to me. We called him back and he said he was following the ambulance and I needed to get there.
My bosses drove me to Mauston from Tomah. It was pouring rain and it felt like we were in that car for 3 hours. We finally got to the hospital and they escorted me to a little room. Kevin was just sitting there. The chaplain was on the phone and asking if anyone knew "Paula". I told him it was my mom and grabbed the phone. All she asked is if Noah was ok. I looked around and asked if Noah was ok. At this point, I still didn't know what was going on, but I expected that Kevin had overreacted and had faith that he was fine. They all just shook their heads at me.

I was in shock. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, but I was just numb. After a while, our Pastor showed up and we got to go into the ER to hold Noah. He looked so perfect on the hospital bed and so tiny. He was swaddled in a blanket and just looked like he was sleeping. It looked like I should be taking him home from the hospital as a newborn, not getting ready to leave without him. This isn't fair. This doesn't happen to good people. I rocked him for a bit and handed him back to the nurse. Giving him back was the hardest thing in the world. I wanted to run out the door with him. I wanted him to open his eyes and smile at me to let me know he was ok.

I remember sitting in that little family waiting room and wondering what we do next. I didn't want to leave because if we left, we were accepting the fact that Noah was gone. I didn't know how to walk out of that hospital and not take my baby boy with me. It was so scary and so surreal. We finally left after almost 5 hours of crying, talking, praying, thinking, re-thinking.

I never in my life expected that I would be planning my child's funeral. I carried my son for 9 months. I ate healthy foods, cut back on caffeine, didn't drink, didn't smoke. I had a healthy 7 lb 14 oz baby boy on December 17th, 2010. I breastfed because that is "best" for babies and it reduces SIDS, sickness, etc. My husband & I lived for our kids. When we weren't working to support our family, we were spending time as a family. I did everything right. I liked the age my kids were at because I thought I could protect them from dangers of the world. I found out on May 9, 2011 that we only have so much control. The rest lies in the hands of a Higher Power and we have to have faith that there is a plan that we may not understand now, but some day, we will know why. Our questions will be answered and we will once again be united with our blue-eyed baby boy for eternity. It is so easy to lose faith during this tragic time and I won't lie, some days my faith is tested to the core. Some days I curse God out, but 5 minutes later, I'm begging for strength to make it through. But, without faith, we would all go crazy and sit at home sulking and hating the world and everyone in it. And there is so much good in the world. I have found out during this tragedy that there is more good in this world than you could ever imagine. It's hard to believe how many lives our 4 month old Noah Paul touched in his short time on earth!