A Note To Noah

My Sweet Noah,

Today you would have been 7 months old. It has also been 10 weeks since the last time that I held you in my arms. Every Sunday night I think about the last Sunday we spent together and every Monday I think of the day you left us. Every second in between, I think of how much I miss you and how unfair it is that you had to leave us and how perfect you were.

I loved everything about you-your smiles, your belly laughs, your chunky frame, and your kisses! I would do anything to have just one more day with you, to hold you in my arms, and tell you how much I love you. I am at peace knowing that we showered you with kisses and made sure you were safe.

I know you are with us and I pray that you watch over us and send us signs. Please keep watch over your sister Madelyn. She misses you and seems so sad. Just tonight I was watching her on the swings and she just looked so lost. I know you were only a baby, but you made our family complete. Our house is quiet and empty without you here. I go into your room every now and then just to look around and feel your presence. Deep down, I hope that I am going to wake up from this nightmare and you will be laying in your crib happy as can be.

I am angered that we are left to live with your loss and try to make the most of the fact that we did have 4 wonderful months. But, it is difficult to go on as a family of 4 with only 3 of us left to walk this earth together. We had so many plans for this summer for the 4 of us, but after we lost you, we have no desire. We try to do fun things for Maddy, but we are so sad that you are missing out on those fun things. Four months is not long enough, but what is "long enough"? I feel that I was robbed. I had faith that we were worthy of having a healthy family of four and it wasn't just "luck", but then we lost you and I wonder why we were chosen to deal with this experience.

There are millions of kids that are abused and neglected. You were loved so much and I counted my blessings daily for giving me 2 healthy kids. I always said I didn't need a lot of money or material things. All I asked was for a healthy family and the ability to provide my family with the necessities in life. I don't like to look at other families and wonder what they did right. But, I do and I think I forever will.

I pray that you are in Heaven and you are being held tight and I am positive that you are being so loved. I know people say that Heaven needed an angel, but we needed you here! I am forever changed and I can only hope that I can come out of this a strong person and a better mommy that I was before. Please watch over us Noah baby. Send us a sign-we need it! We love you to the moon and back...

Love always & forever, Mommy