It's closing in on three months since we lost Noah. It's hard to believe. Some days it feels like he's been gone forever and some days it feels like just yesterday. He still consumes my every thought. Everything we do I think "Noah should be doing this, too". Maddy mentions Noah almost every day, sometimes several times a day. It breaks my heart when she does, but I am also glad that she remembers him. I never want her to forget her baby brother. Yesterday we were at Culvers and a lady carrying her baby boy walked past us. Maddy said "awww, cute baby. It's Noah." Then she stopped, thought for a second, shook her head and said "oh. no." I think for a split second she forgot that Noah was gone. I can handle my own pain, even though I don't understand and I am angry and hurt, I can handle it. But, her pain breaks my heart.
A friend of mine shared this with me: If you lose a spouse, you're called a widow, or a widower. If you're a child and you lose your parents, then you're an orphan. But what's the word to describe a parent who loses a child? I guess the pain of losing a child is too awful to have a name.
I never thought of it, but three months ago, I never thought I would be enrolled into this "club". I have learned more in these three months that I cared to learn a lifetime. I often wonder "why me", but I am determined to make something positive of this experience. I want to be strong for Maddy. We want Maddy to have her safe haven here at home. We have a stronger marriage than we did three months ago.
I'm anxious for the day when I can think of Noah and talk about memories of him and not feel sad. When I think of his giggles, his smile, his beautiful blue eyes, I feel so empty and want so badly to relive those experiences.
Sunday night Maddy was talking about Noah and she said that Noah's with Jesus. And she followed that with "Jesus rocks Noah". I don't know where she got that because Kevin and I have never told her that, but I want to believe that he has reassured her of that because if I can't have him with me, at least I know that he is being loved in the best place imaginable! Yesterday morning my alarm clock was going off. I use my cell phone for my alarm. When I looked at the screen, it was a picture of Noah staring at me. I don't have that picture on my phone anywhere, so I'm not sure how it got on there and even later on in the day when I tried to retrieve that photo, I couldn't. I believe Noah made that possible. It was a beautiful start to my day to wake up looking into my son's eyes!
Since Noah's passing, I have met several parents that have also lost children. I attend a grief support group and when I walk out of each session, I feel so normal and so relaxed. I talk to so many people that want to help, but I am so glad that I have found people that can tell me that they went through a similar loss and it will get easier. That makes my really bad days a little easier because it gives me reassurance that what I am feeling is normal.
My babysitter that was watching Noah that terrible day has always had a special place in my heart. I grew up around her family, babysat her kids when I was growing up, and now she takes care of my kids. It is crazy to me how life circles, but so neat. I worry about her because she carries the burden of that day, but Kevin & I have told her over and over and over we do not blame her. We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that our kids are safe and loved at her home. I know it is selfish, but we are thankful that it didn't happen at our house. We wouldn't want that on top of the grief we are dealing with. I pray for her continuously throughout the day. I pray that she finds peace with the situation and I pray that she can find comfort in the fact that we do not blame her. I wish there were answers to our questions, but there aren't, so we have to have faith that God doesn't make mistakes and that he has reasons for this. I battle with that because I thought we had a pretty good plan for him here on Earth and we still had a lot in store for him. But, we had that taken from us, so we grabbed on to our faith and pray that we get through this.
I have realized how much time a person spends complaining and worrying about the small things. Everyone has heard "don't sweat the small stuff", but it's so true. Life is so short and so fragile. You can live your life grumbling about the small stuff or you can brush it off and find the silver lining. I think Kevin and I are pretty positive people, but this loss has made us even more positive. We could sit and hate the world and play poor pity me, but that wouldn't change what we went through. So, we will continue to be positive and find the good in people and the good in the world. I have said from day one, we have lost so much, but we are still so blessed. And we are.
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