We had quite a week this week. We finally had Noah's headstone placed on Monday and it is beautiful! I never would have thought I would be in awe over a headstone, but I am. We now have a marker of where our baby boy is buried and it makes my heart ache. We go up to see Noah several times a week and it can be emotional some days and other days it can be comforting. Seeing his grave for the first time with the black granite headstone, engraved with our son's name, took my breath away. I cried harder than I have in a while and it all became so much more real. I haven't been able to bring myself to go back up to the cemetery since that day.
I had the pleasure of talking to a mother that lost her son 2 years ago in a car accident. I have never previously talked to her, but the words of wisdom that she offered comforted me and gave me strong hope that I will get used to this new normal that I have been forced to accept. She explained a lot of the emotions that she has dealt with and it is everything that I am going through. I function as best I can. For the last 10 weeks, I have been waking up and living. Some mornings it takes everything in me to put my feet on the floor and face the world. Some days I feel a peace surrounding me and I feel confident that I will survive this and come out the strongest woman ever. So many people tell me that I "inspire" them. That is a compliment, but I am nothing special. I am living and dealing with the situation because I refuse to let it ruin me and my family. Right now, my main concern is my husband and my daughter.
We lost our son and we wish we could change that, but we can't. So, we deal with the situation because unfortunately, life goes on. The world won't stop spinning just because we are grieving. We aren't the first people in this world to have lost a child, but we are determined to stand strong and make sure that Noah's memory lives on forever. Sure, he was only here for 4 months and I realize I have another child left, but that doesn't make it easier to deal with.
10 weeks have past and every day is a battle for me. Some days I want to be around people and it comforts me to have such strong support near me and other days, I want to close the blinds and sit in our house with Kevin and Maddy. Kevin is the only one who truly understands the loss that I am feeling and I don't have to explain how I feel to him. He just senses when I am having a bad day. He knows when I need a hug and he knows when I need 5 minutes to myself to think and to cry. We have found great friends that we never realized we had and I have been warned that I will probably lose some friends that can't handle the grieving process. I will never be back to myself. A part of me is gone. I am changed and forever will be. I just have to learn how to live day by day with a scar on my heart.
Today was my nephew's birthday party. He is 2 and the ironic thing is that 2 years ago, he spent 3 weeks in the NICU in Madison and was a miracle baby. Doctors didn't think he would survive, but he did and he is a perfectly normal 2 year old today. I had a hard time today. I dread the celebrations to come...all of which Noah should have been a part of. It is cruel that I have to, along with millions of other parents in the world, were chosen to take on this role and I pray that with birthdays, holidays, milestones, that I will find a way to deal that helps ease the pain of functioning without Noah. My best friend has a son that is 2 months older than Noah. It is hard to watch him and think in 2 months, Noah should be doing that. I went to her house the day of Noah's funeral and her son started crawling. I was thinking this week that it's been 2 months since he started crawling, so if Noah was alive, he would be crawling by now, too. I love her and I love her family. But, he was supposed to be Noah's buddy.
I try not to ask myself "why me?" because I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but then my next thought is "why me?". I hope that one day I can be support for another parent that needs words of comfort. I want to be healed to the point that I can say "it will get easier", but so far, I don't believe that. My every thought is consumed by our loss. I go to work every day. It helps me to get out and keep busy. I have great co-workers that make it easy to face the workday. Both Kevin & I are so lucky to have co-workers that understand and friends and family that are always there for us. But, some days, we just don't have it in us to face the world and try to put on a happy face. Some days we prefer to take refuge in our own home, just the 3 of us, because that is what is comforting to us right now.
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